I used to keep everything in and never talk about it I just try ed to push it down and just deal with it. Since my daughter died it’s like I can’t do that it kills me I feel everything good bad whatever. I see other people hurting I feel it… it sucks sometimes because I get hurt easily and most of the time it’s just because people don’t think, feel or act the way I do. There is nothing wrong with that were all different we don’t react to things the same, but at the same time it sucks for me. If I say I’m going to do something unless something super serious comes up I will be there, if I make plans I don’t bail I may let someone know hey something came up is it OK if we reschedule but u wouldn’t just bail on plans. I really don’t make plans often so when I take initiative and make plans it’s because I really want to and it means something on some level to me. I have a real hard time not feeling dissed or rejected when someone else makes other plans over plans already made it makes me feel like I want their best option and they found something better to do. while that may just be a simple understanding and not be the case without the full info it’s exactly how it leaves me feeling.
I made plans, spent money, and basically rearranged my life for the next few days only to find I am unable to get a final confirmation before driving 7 hours to pick the person up. I had not let my self get overly attached to the idea of getting another baby, but at the moment I am feeling really angry, my daughter will be devastated! Further more Ii can live with losing $100 but not knowing is going to suck!!! At this point I am not sure what to do. Do I wait or do I just cancel everything and tell her I am done, and that if she wants me to take the baby I will need the baby to have been born and close to ready to be released from the hospital… I cant keep doing this its really to much. Its making my head and my heart hurt and I’m really not sure what to even do or think.
I’m so tired of this kind of thing I don’t need the stress so maybe that is my answer…
Lately I have been going through a lot and I am not strong enough to deal with it alone. I have closed my facebook account and will not be posting on twitter. I have been hurting and miserable for a long time now and no one notices so I give up I am done I may come back but I don’t know… I feel like no one in my life really cares that i need someone or maybe they just dont care to be the person to comfort me, a hug and text whatever… Its always nothing and I cant take it and more if i must be miserable and alone id rather not do it on facebook or here so until further notice I am gone. Being alone is worse than death i hate it and how hollow and empty it makes me feel I hate every night that i cry just wishing for someone to realize how bad it is but no one does so fuck it im sorry but im done.
You’re getting closer to pushing me
Off of life’s little edge
Cause I’m a loser
And sooner or later
You know I’ll be dead
You’re getting closer,
You’re holding the rope,
I’m taking the fall
Cause I’m a loser, I’m a loser, yeah
This is getting old,
I can’t break these chains that I hold
My body’s growing cold,
There’s nothin left of this mind
Or my soul