Child Loss, Depression, TTC

Hope hurts

no matter what i do i cant seem to give up hope or stop staying positive and i know you would think that its a good thing but it isn’t in fact i feel like its killing me. its been 13 and a half years since my only biological child was born and died. I don’t understand why i had to see her do well for 3 weeks only to come in and be told that they were losing her. WHY? Why did this have to happen to me at all? over the last 13+ years i tried to have a baby off and on my i had pcos and the 5 years following having my daughter i had only a handful of periods which is clearly a problem. I tried losing weight and actually ate healthy and exercised but the pcos made that pretty much impossible even when i got a personal trainer and like i said ate healthy drank only water etc. My Dr gave me metformin  which helped they always wanted to give me birth control but i would only take it for a month to see if i would even have a period and i always did, but i felt taking consistently would be counter productive. Now at those times i honestly wasn’t into the person i just wanted a baby which is fucked up but honestly I wanted a baby and then to just never have to deal with them no child support just me and my baby… I was young and dumb and mentally fucked up from losing my child losing friends and not having any kind of support system even my family turned their back on me after about a week had went by telling me to just get over it… but i couldn’t just get over it hell the first 3 months all I did was sleep or cry… honestly the first 2 years i wanted to die i hated everything i was mean to everyone. Anyone that knows me knows that is not me at all but i think most of it had a lot to do with i needed to talk my feelings out i didn’t need anyone’s input I think I just needed to speak my hurt and suffering out loud and have someone at least hug be and be with me while i did… but i couldn’t do that they would say i was to depressing and i shouldn’t linger… it probably would have been much easier if someone had just listened, some people do not process feelings and pain the same way but for me I NEED someone i can pour out everything to. The act of saying it all out loud to another person is a form of therapy to me and unfortunately it takes a lot of saying the same shit over and over and over sometimes, and for most i guess that is annoying but i do it because i don’t understand it and if i say it out loud enough maybe i can finally understand or at least finally realize how to let it go.

Now on to present time and the title of this post… hope hurts it hurts so much because I love the person I am with more than anything more than I have loved anyone really its unlike anything else. I want a baby so bad but I don’t just want a baby I want a baby with him. I want all the stuff that goes along with that, getting to tell him, going to appointments, picking names and seeing our baby for the first time and so on. Last year I was finally able to lose 65lbs and my period came back. lately its not coming when it should and taking anywhere from 26 to 44 days but fertility monitor has been showing that I seem to be ovulation… my Ava bracelet this month showed i ovulated early but my fertility monitor never showed that i did at all… that’s upsetting but the months before said i had but when my period never came i believed maybe… just maybe and i fucking hate that I try to just automatically assume its not but that shred of hope especially when my boobs are sore or something happens kills me every fucking time. that maybe hurts so much id rather just get my period on schedule rather thank have any possibility that i’m pregnant… but I’m NEVER pregnant and that’s all i fucking want… I feel like i’m failing at even being female a simple thing I should be able to do and i cant and i don’t know what the fuck to do…


Get the funky smell out of drawers

As someone who somewhat frequently buys furniture from Craigslist the drawer smell issue comes up fairly often. The most recent pieces i bought the drawers just had that old wood smell no mold or funky stuff just the smell of a piece that’s been sitting for a long time. How i do I get rid of the odor? The first thing i do is i wipe all the drawers out with Clorox wipes, some like to use Murphys oil soap which is probably a better option and it comes in a spray bottle or even wipes, but its going to take a lot longer to dry and for my purposes the Clorox wipes have worked just fine for me. The next step is baking soda. I buy the big bag of baking soda at Costco (though the smaller boxes work just fine).

You can deodorize the drawers several different ways the first is to take about a half cup of baking soda and sprinkle it in each drawer and let it sit 24 to 48 hours (depending on how strong the odor is etc) Or you can use a big bowl and add several cups of baking soda in it then add some essential or fragrance oils about a table spoon and with a whisk (or fork if you don’t have one handy) sprinkle about a fourth a cup in each drawer and let it sit between 6 and 24 hours.

To remove vacuum it all out using a brush attachment if you have it just to help loosen up any stubborn particles. Then I get a damp cloth and wipe the drawers out because the last time i didnt it got white powder on clothes… so i figure better safe than sorry.

You can also use white vinegar with a fine mist sprayer and spritz all the drawers and either leave them a bit open or out in the sun if that’s an option, the vinegar smell will go away once its dried. The sun will help kill the odor and dry the drawers faster. Do make sure you use the fine mist sprayer any one will do really but you don’t want just any sprayer for 2 reasons 1 it could potentially damage the wood because you are spraying to much the 2nd is its going to take forever to dry.

If your really worried about the smell you can even spray with vinegar and then wait a few days and use the baking soda but typically one or the other should be good enough to kill the smell.

Another option is to paint the drawer insides as well… If you do i would still wipe them down and deodorize before as it may trap the stink in the paint then getting rid of it will be much harder.


The next thing you can do is make your own little sachets to keep in each drawer I use Gain laundry soap in moonlight breeze  I get the sprinkles, fabric softener and dryer sheets… WHat you need:

Scented dryer sheets

Matching scented laundry sprinkles

cheap small hair ties or rubber bands

The dryer sheets I got from target i cant even find them on amazon (which lately is my go to because I am lazy and I am antisocial lol) and the sprinkles i wont even link because you can find them cheaper at target or Walmart. I personally like that they have everything in matching scents so all my clothes will stay fresh.

Step 1: Gather supplies

Step 2: Lay out your softener sheets and add sprinkles to each sheet

Step 3: tie off each sheet with a hair tie or rubber band.

Step 4: toss sachets in drawers to keep clothes extra fresh!




Maing sense of nonsense

I have never been great at flat out saying what I’m feeling, or finding the right words to convey what i feel or what i want to say. Life is so complicated and I have learned that you don’t just find yourself once and life comes together. Life is about finding your self and then losing yourself. Each time you rebuild your self you learn, you grow, you are stronger and more ready for whatever comes next.  This perpetual process has made me what most would call weird… maybe even crazy. I am an imperfect person but I usually have good judgement I know myself well enough to know that. I have been single for almost a year now. I have dated a little bit but nothing solid. Now i find myself seeing someone who comes off nice, polished, and has his life together.  Sounds fabulous… but of course there is always that proverbial “but” in the mix that screws it all up… (sigh) I feel like i am at a point I want something real, something meaningful, and for me that doesn’t include anything sexual. I want to get to know someone and enjoy that part of the relationship, I want to enjoy their company and random texts checking in about my day or that i am missed or even just being thought of. Any more though it seems sex is expected early on in relationships. I have heard it all, about how if i really liked them i would do it or if i don’t we would be done, or that it would make us closer, or even that it would be so good that I could never regret it… seriously? Its also always fun when they attempt to challenge you saying “oh you must not like sex” lucky for me I’m strong willed and have nothing to prove to anyone but myself. To me sex is something so personal and intimate how could you possibly share that with someone you only met a short time ago? The truth is it isn’t what i want or what I’m looking for. I like sex but it doesn’t control me, I am in control I chooses what I do, I refuse to allow my body or even my hormones decide what i do. Its kind of entertaining to watch someone who lacks that type of control, and I am well aware that my level of self control in this matter is one most do not share. Its also hilarious to me when someone says its about controlling the other person, it isn’t at all, its about doing what you feel ready for and I do not put my self in situations I am not ready for… I just cannot do that.

I also want someone who has their own life and doesn’t look to me 24-7 because I am raising 4 children and I have school and am now going to the gym trying to get fit, plus my daughter is being home schooled. I need to plan ahead and do those things, Its very off putting to have someone step in and say they feel un-included when I have boundaries set up for my saftey, comfort and general self respect.


Bernie Or Bust

over the last 6 months my personal instagram became a bernie account but if you go back far enough you will see my actual posts and get an idea about me, who i am and what im about etc. People give likes and comment and i think even some forget you’re an actual person. My name Is Nicki, I am 31 I have 3 adopted children. I have a job and work sometimes more than 40 hours a week… i am not on any government assistance. I will not be voting for ANYONE other than Bernie even in November BERNIE OR BUST!!!