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Picture Perfect Problems

I have spent a lot of time over the last 6 weeks thinking about so many things. Its so hard to be away from home away from everyone. Its so easy to get caught up thinking about the negative , Id like to be able to have a baby like the majority and not need so much help and now to have to be away from home… but I also am grateful that there at least things that can be done so its possible even if its hard.

There are so many things in life people imagine in their head, and to be honest I think that is one of the biggest causes of people feeling unhappy with their life… they picture this fairy tale ideal fantasy experience and when it doesn’t go that way or life doesn’t look like how we imagined, rather than be glad for what we have and being happy anyway, and happy for the things we do have. That picture feels unattainable so most people feel like there is no point things will always be like this or not come out the way we want. So this imaginary idea in our head keeps us unmotivated and unsatisfied with our life… Now obviously you cant just think your life is perfect the way it is and everything will be fine, but if you change your idea of what is perfect and start seeing the more positive side of things and stop expecting the fantasy and open up the possibilities of reality.

The truth is I always wanted to be a mom and I never imagined I would lose two 2nd trimester babies and have a miscarriage… It made me feel like it would honestly never happen and the idea of how things go for most people of getting pregnant no problem and having a baby honestly became basically a fantasy and definitely not an attainable reality for me. With Oliver I really thought things were fine, doctors were checking things each week and then they completely failed me so for this pregnancy there was no “enjoying it or being excited” to be honest i was actually afraid to be excited or count on anything definite, I did all the things I needed to do or could do for things to have any kind of hope but I kept myself from getting to invested because so far the only outcome I ever experienced was pain and loss and this empty feeling inside that felt like it could eat me alive, like I had fallen in to a bottomless black pit and couldn’t even begin to find a way out. I was so terrified of that feeling of going home again empty handed and empty inside. This isn’t how I had dreamed of but if it works then its ok its not the way I had imagined… my story isn’t everyone’s and that is fine.

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