Child Loss, Depression

On the inside

Its been 17 days now… some days I mostly feel fine I don’t cry everyday and most days no one would ever know anything was wrong. Then there are days like today I feel like i am just a shell of a person, i feel empty almost dead inside, i feel worthless and exhausted and i cannot tell if no one knows or no one cares. People can look right at me and I feel as if they see right through me, like I am invisible, and i guess in some ways I am. They see me or at least what I look like but they don’t see this black hole inside where sometimes it sucks everything positive out and fills me with sadness, pain and the most self deprecating shit you can imagine. I could smile and they would believe it. I am not there sometimes, not really… i mean obviously I am physically present but my mind is somewhere else. Sometimes I feel like I am being punished for something or maybe I should be punished because some how maybe I cause this, and I hate myself to the point I feel almost angry I don’t have the urge to kill myself. I am not suicidal but I lost my baby and some how I am still alive that seems so backwards. I don’t understand how I can still be here going through this twice. I feel like there is no peace and I feel so lost I don’t know what to do or how to even interact with people when I feel like this. I don’t feel like myself I don’t feel normal so I don’t know how to act like myself or normal either.

When I got home from the hospital, I was sore and tired but my mind couldn’t stop from replaying what had happened and thoughts of if i did something different maybe my baby would still be here. So i pushed myself and kept my self as occupied as I could, trips to the store, doing things around the house I had felt to sick to deal with while I was pregnant. Really anything to try to keep my mind occupied. ended up usually crying when i needed to use the bathroom or in the shower because it was the only time i would really have the time for my mind to fill with emotions and feelings about everything. This last week has been the opposite I feel like I don’t want to do anything, I don’t want to run a business or clean or deal with most people or things, I don’t want to just be alone either but I don’t know what the fuck I should do or how to ask for anything. I hate being alone honestly but I also hate feeling needy too… I don’t necessarily want to do nothing I just don’t know what to actually do and I have no motivation whatsoever. I hate my body I feel jiggly and fat, I have lost about 10lbs and need to lose at least another 10 but I cant get myself to exercise I want to but I just cant seem to ever actually do it. I have makeup for my brand I need to make but I cant seem to actually get it done… I feel so fucking useless but also cant make myself do anything productive… I have issues with food now and mostly deprive myself as much as I can stand to the point I get dizzy or even a little sick but i feel fat and disgusting if I eat less maybe I will look a little better or maybe lose a few more pounds…

I used to talk a lot more but now I don’t even know what to say or how to have a normal conversation, but no one seems to notice… There are certain things I do want to talk about                 but I feel like I will be rejected or no one will want to talk to me about them so I just don’t even try and sometimes I feel like its killing me inside. Sometimes people ask “are you ok?” I have been conditioned to only say yes I feel like no one really asks this because they care or really want to know its more just to be polite so its rude to say anything other than yes i’m fine… how the fuck do you tell someone no i’m not fine i feel like i am dying inside and i don’t know how to feel better or like things will ever be OK…

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