Child Loss, Depression, TTC

Hope hurts

no matter what i do i cant seem to give up hope or stop staying positive and i know you would think that its a good thing but it isn’t in fact i feel like its killing me. its been 13 and a half years since my only biological child was born and died. I don’t understand why i had to see her do well for 3 weeks only to come in and be told that they were losing her. WHY? Why did this have to happen to me at all? over the last 13+ years i tried to have a baby off and on my i had pcos and the 5 years following having my daughter i had only a handful of periods which is clearly a problem. I tried losing weight and actually ate healthy and exercised but the pcos made that pretty much impossible even when i got a personal trainer and like i said ate healthy drank only water etc. My dr gave me metformin  which helped they always wanted to give me birth control but i would only take it for a month to see if i would even have a period and i always did, but i felt taking consistently would be counter productive. Now at those times i honestly wasn’t into the person i just wanted a baby which is fucked up but honestly i wanted a baby and then to just never have to deal with them no child support just me and my baby… i was young and dumb and mentally fucked up from losing my child losing friends and not having any kind of support system even my family turned their back on me after about a week had went by telling me to just get over it… but i couldn’t just get over it hell the first 3 months all i did was sleep or cry… honestly the first 2 years i wanted to die i hated everything i was mean to everyone. Anyone that knows me knows that is not me at all but i think most of it had a lot to do with i needed to talk my feelings out i didn’t need anyone’s input i think i just needed to speak my hurt and suffering out loud and have someone at least hug be and be with me while i did… but i couldn’t do that they would say i was to depressing and i shouldn’t linger… it probably would have been much easier if someone had just listened, some people do not process feelings and pain the same way but for me i NEED someone i can pour out everything to. The act of saying it all out loud to another person is a form of therapy to me and unfortunately it takes a lot of saying the same shit over and over and over sometimes, and for most i guess that is annoying but i do it because i don’t understand it and if i say it out loud enough maybe i can finally understand or at least finally realize how to let it go.

Now on to preset time and the title of this post… hope hurts it hurts so much because i love the person i am with more than anything more than i have loved anyone really its unlike anything else. I want a baby so bad but i don’t just want a baby I want a baby with him. I want all the stuff that goes along with that, getting to tell him, going to appointments, picking names and seeing our baby for the first time and so on. Last year i was finally able to lose 65lbs and my period came back. lately its not coming when it should and taking anywhere from 26 to 44 days but fertility monitor has been showing that i seem to be ovulation… my Ava bracelet this month showed i ovulated early but my fertility monitor never showed that i did at all… that’s upsetting but the months before said i had but when my period never came i believed maybe… just maybe and i fucking hate that I try to just automatically assume its not but that shred of hope especially when my boobs are sore or something happens kills me every fucking time. that maybe hurts so much id rather just get my period on schedule rather thank have any possibility that im pregnant… but I’m NEVER pregnant and that’s all i fucking want… I feel like i’m failing at even being female a simple thing i should be able to do and i cant and i dont know what the fuck to do…

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