Dieting, Food, Weight loss

Chubby

For the last 2 years i have wanted to go vegan, i try briefly but then i feel like everything tastes like shit or takes to long to make and i always end up like “screw this i need a freaking cheese burger”. That statement alone is really disgusting that i actually want to put that processed garbage in my body. I have always had body issues, i hate how i look now, but even when i was really thin back in high school, i wouldn’t eat for days and days and would look in the mirror disgusted at myself, my stomach was never flat enough my but not round enough, my thighs not firm enough my boobs not perky enough and on and on… I remember once passing out at school and my mom had to come get me, I hadn’t eaten in i don’t even know how many days… This will probably sound terrible but i wish i had that kind of dedication and will power against food now… i don’t really want to starve but i wish i could eat better and eat less.
My food issues did a total 180 after I got pregnant, I stopped not eating and then I basically couldn’t stop eating, i craved EVERYTHING and i knew i was pregnant so i wouldn’t starve myself I wanted my baby to be healthy. After my baby died I couldn’t stop eating, i had so many struggles then, i felt like i lost my reason to live and honestly wished for years i had died that day too. So many screwed up things happened the 2 years after and my only real support, comfort and even friend then was food… it was there, it tasted good it made me feel better even if only for a few moments. Now its been a little over 10 years since that and I’m not how i was but i still have a hard time saying know to shitty food choices. I also find it difficult because anytime i try to make a change i always get discouragement from most people around me, asking why and trying to tempt me to cave in and eat something i shouldn’t. I hate that I want to do something because i feel like i need to and rather than try to be supportive i get the opposite, I wish i were stronger I wish i didn’t need some kind of support but at the beginning i do.
I did finally buy a juicer and some other things to hopefully help me eat better, and loose weight, and i have a paid up membership for the next year i really should be using… my ass isn’t getting an slimmer just sitting here. I don’t care if i loose a ton of weight but i want my clothes to fit better and feel like i look better in them. I want to feel healthier. I want to look in the mirror and just be OK with what i see.

Share

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *