I was so upset when er went in with our paper work (that we had done once and they had lost) only to find that Johnny’s CPR certification paper had not been faxed… even after leaving 2 messages and then her calling me this morning to say she would fax them (that was at 9:15 am) when we went at 4 they checked the fax and it never came and their response was well don’t worry it will get here eventually… EVENTUALLY that’s not good enough! To them it may not mean anything but my baby is out there some where and I cant even look at available kids to find her over something they know he did… that just made me so angry I almost cried all i could do is just turn around and just walk out shaking my head… i just couldn’t believe it… I feel like its urgent for all of the adoptable kids to find a home and I’m not going to sit around and wait for them… and to top it off my social worker was telling me it will probably take about 7 months to get a child… there is a huge amount of kids out there there is no excuse for it to take 7 months, so now its up to me to do whatever i can to find my baby and get her home! next week is a thing where we can meet with social workers and I will be going and meeting all of them i can and hopefully get some leads on little ones, I have another child i was looking at through another source and I will be waking up at 5 to get the info about her but i don’t care id do it every day if it meant making things go faster!

some one should be fighting for these children!

Today our home study will be all done and we can finally start looking for our baby. I am so excited I hope we can find her soon, so we can bring her home.

Lately everything has been getting to me… in the past few weeks i have been going crazy waiting, also the metformin i take is supposed to be re aligning my hormones to the right levels so that probably doesn’t help. Tomorrow will be 5 weeks since our social worker did our home visit… I just hope by the 6 week mark we can be looking for a baby… they have books with available kids info and pictures etc that you can look at and see if you find one that fits your family, but we cant look at them until our home study is written up and finished. I keep hoping they will be done today so when johnny gets off work we can go down there and look. I am so anxious to find our kid or kids… I worry about it like what if they aren’t in a safe place or being well fed or get really sick… I want to be able to be there and take care of them and know they are being well cared for.
Plus I want to be able to get the room ready but really I cant yet because if we get 1 baby we don’t know the age and if we get 2 one may be a boy and i have no boy stuff right now, and i will need either another crib or toddler bed but I’m not sure which. I have been looking around and trying to find what i want for any scenario, but i wish i could be actually getting the room together, and getting toys and books but since right now I don’t know so i cant. I guess no matter what every day we get closer even if it doesn’t feel like it. I was hoping we would get one before Halloween so then we could dress her up and take her with my friends who all have kids. And then the rest of our family that doesn’t live close could see the baby. and then Christmas would be so much more fun with a little one around.
I just hope its all very soon.

Its so weird to see some one who isn’t in your life and has totally moved on, it always trips me out to see pics on people pages. People I used to know or people who I often think about even though I haven’t seen or talked to them in years. A part of me is happy for them and another part is sad because some how we went our separate ways and I missed all this life changing stuff in a persons life that I have always cared about and also knowing to most of these people i was a bigger douche than a hooker uses… and i hate myself for that I wish I hadn’t been so selfish and done all the stupid things I did when I was younger high school especially I just sucked back then I was so messed up there is so much I don’t think i will ever forgive myself for, and no matter how many times i begged for forgiveness and even if it was repeatedly granted my heart still falls to the floor and shatters into a million pieces and the only person i can blame is me. The world could forgive me a million times over and I would still hate my self because i don’t believe i deserve my own forgiveness let alone yours.
What is kind of funny (in a sick i just stuck a pencil in my eye kind of way) is that after being a cunt back then losing my own baby i then realized everything I had done and the sound of silence the fact that there was no baby crying just sitting on the edge of the bed rocking back and forth gripping the mattress with both hands with tears streaming down my face the only thing i could think of was this is what I get, this is what i deserve for treating people like i did. All i could do was scream inside as the world around me left me behind in a dark and lonely place.
I wish there were a way to feel some how absolved. I want so much to just have a child and even though with the adoption close to finding our kid, I still feel some how it wont happen because of things i once did… I just want a child to hold and love I don’t care what color I just want a child… Lately I have been drawn to 4 and 5 year old’s it didn’t dawn on me until earlier this evening that it probably has something to do with my baby Hannah would have been 5 this December… 5 just saying it makes me cry every day I wonder what she would look like what things she would like, what she would say to me, I only knew her for a few months in my womb and 3 weeks in the world but i knew her she was a real person, its amazing that a person you knew for only 3 weeks and only weighed a pound and a half could have the biggest impact of any one i ever knew, earlier i was looking at her pictures which i never do usually and I don’t talk about it to any one, but just seeing her tiny hand wrapped around my index finger and her little hand rubbing her ear… all of the little amazing things she did. i wish i could go back and freeze that moment forever… the past 5 years have been hell and no matter how much time passes my heart still feels so raw like an open wound. I feel like a horrible person because i haven’t been to her grave in like 4 years, i don’t like going with any one and that’s why i don’t go if i could go on my own i would… i feel guilty because what if she could see me and i never go and things i have forgotten her…

I know what has happened is not something i can change but also what makes me sad is knowing somewhere out there is the child we will adopt and what if she is being abused or hurt and i cant help her i cant stop it, i worry so much and pray every day that she will be safe and taken care of. I just want her to be here so i can make sure she is well cared for and loved…
pretty much everyone i knew growing up… every one i ever dated and people who cant even afford a pot to pee in pop out kids as if their hoo hoo was an M-16… but while i have money… and a big apartment with a closet the size of my last homes bedroom, a 50 inch plasma tv in the living room a 32 inch tv in my bedroom, a fancy computer with a 24 inch monitor, an ipod and a very expensive camera that cost more than the 50 inch tv by quite a bit… plus the lenses and none of it means anything… its all nice but the point is we can afford a kid and have the means to provide for one and yet our extra bedroom is empty… could some one please beat me with the baby stick like every one else… (this is not to be confused with the ugly stick…) i would trade all of my fancy crap for a baby I want that so bad every day