we all suffer from it and have no choice but to deal with since the day we come into the world, we all learn, we all sweat, cry, bleed, and feel pain. but in reality the majority of the population is so consumed by their own selfishness or whatever else it may be to realize that we all make mistakes even those out there who read things and then spread things around like wild fire burning up some one elses life for 2 seconds of entertainment. I don’t see the rationality of it all the in depth thought and we all make mistakes that only take a split second and the straw that broke the camels back comes tumbling out of our frustration on anything to place the blame… thats one thing about frustration, no matter what we alway put a face on it, we always need some where to place blame even if its not really to blame but some how I think we feel that blaming something we dont control makes us feel like less of a failure or perhaps that when something gets to us that if we can place the blame else where maybe we can take a deep breath and deal with everything else on our plate. I don’t know what it is to be honest but there isn’t a person i know that cant say they haven’t made a mistake that affected others and it may have been a mis-worded letter, or a irrational phone call or just a knee jerk response to how overwhelmed we get sometimes. i think human behavior is fascinating i study people most of the times people think I am shy or cold because i don’t say a whole lot i just observe and figure people out, because thats the one thing people try to hide is who they are, we are imperfect being and we make choices that are not always the best, we lose it, we feel emotion and feel the need to express it in what ever outlet presents its self.
I was never allowed to express how i felt as a child and so now when i feel a certain way it gets to the point that it erupts from my mouth before i can think about it and say what i really feel and thats something I don’t like about myself but I am not ashamed about it because I realize that I just like everyone else on this planet has rough times, and days that are so hard to make it through. I treat every person I see as I see them, the world is made of people like me who have ups and downs, and moments of weakness and emotional baggage that is unseen to the naked eye. I get over people talking about me quickly because I know what it is to feel feelings I don’t even mean and I have hurt people by things I have said because I was losing control for a second and in that moment of weakness things I don’t mean to happen… do. But one thing I do not and will never do is go to someone and talk about it with them or punish and innocent person for another’s crimes.

This all is coming from some where, and all i will say about it is I am a human and I made a mistake because its not easy wanting a baby and being unsure whats going to happen and “you” of all people should know what thats like because as i recall this time last year “you” were in a similar situation. Reading something i wrote when i had a rough day and I felt powerless to speed up our adoption and the phone rang and I was in the middle of talking, i was up set and that one little thing sent me over the edge. I was overwhelmed I had taken on to much like everyone has at one time or another. I focused in on something irrelevant to the reality of the problem because sometimes thats easier than facing something were afraid of. I don’t think its write to go to someone or more that one person when the problem “you” have was with me. But the worst thing is punishing a family member for something that that person had no control over what so ever. neither one of us felt that way in reality but things cross our minds and we think things we don’t mean. I may be wrong but I think punishing an innocent person than saying somthing stupid when your stressed…

I went to the optometrist today and got contacts and its been so long since i have worn them it was not so easy getting them in and out… I feel like i have swimmers eye… I feel like i have been swimming for way to long my eye burns like crazy…

Things are moving along with the adoption, we hopefully will have our baby sometime in early july… we have almost everything done and we just have one more class and a couple little things and we are done and ready for the home study.

I made a special digital kit just for today I hope you all like it! Have a Happy Mothers Day!!!

3 patterned papers,
5 solid papers
5 frames
4 big brads
4 flowers
2 ribbons

enjoy and please read my TOU which is enclosed in both zip files.

Paper Download
Elements Download

Sounds weird… I know but seriously… for those of you who have been pregnant you know what its like to wake up in one mood and then go from 0 - biotch in 0.1 seconds… lately I dont know what the deal is, I have this thing where i say, write, or do something aka putting my foot in my mouth… neat trick, but dont know how to get it back out… I cant control it, little things make me cry for no good reason, or i will get all pissed of over nothing and then get upset again because i don’t understand… and i know right about now forty of you are e-mailing me saying OMG your pregnant… no im really not, for the love of God don’t even say that… this is going to should really dumb but I will say it, just let me assume position first (inserts foot into mouth) If i found out I was pregnant I would be pissed off… I know a lot of you who read are going to flip… sorry, but heres’s why… no I don’t hate my husband of fear that the child we would produce would be Satan’s spawn or anything like that. I went crazy trying to get pregnant and at one point after Hannah died I would have rather died than be told I couldn’t have children (at that time i still wanted to adopt but not my first child plus i though it was a lot more expensive) now I have accepted that I may never have my own children, and if not I am ok. I just want to experience motherhood without my child dying, being able to actually be a mom. I have put so much into adopting and Johnny and I have talked about it and it was a lot for both of us to get to the same page (unless you ask about how his self study is going… sigh men i swear… lol) but finally i think we are both where we want to be on that aspect and i don’t want to change that.
Eventually I would like to get pregnant… I honestly believe i could if i could stop shoving junk into my body… its like smack… i don’t go shoot up jelly donuts in the bathroom but i do get jonesy for them every now and then. (also what the hell happened to the white powdered donuts with jelly in the middle for the last year i have look all over and haven’t seen a friggin one and I want one like you wouldn’t believe that and a lemon cookie) But im working on that… I really want to lose weight im tired of being a cow… its depressing when i wake up in the morning i feel like a beached whale sometimes flailing to get up… seriously if i gain another pound im getting lipo… well i would if i could afford it… but one of our family friends is a plastic surgeon so maybe he will hook me up… probably not. I don’t know if thats me or the cough syrup talking, but im tired and that stuff knocks me out, i have been sick all week it hurts to breathe and my throat is raw and full of ucky stuff that no matter how much hot tea and cough syrup i dring it wont go away…

I alomst forgot to add the link for my last photo shoot you cn see it here