Janice | 
03 31st, 2008| 
I was watching an episode of Scrubs they were talking about the 5 stages of grief… The are as follows
Denial
Denial is generally the first stage in the grief process. It can be experienced as numbness or avoidance or isolation or direct denial. It is a stage in which we just cannot believe that the loss is true. We may tell ourselves that it did not really happen. It does not seem real.
Anger
Another stage of grief is anger. At this point, we have gotten past some or all of the denial, but now we are angry about the loss. We may want to take it out on something or someone, or we may just express our anger in ways that are familiar to us.
Bargaining
In the bargaining stage, we are trying to come up with ways to get back what we lost or just find someone or something to blame. Common thoughts include “If only I had just ….” or “I wish we could have….” or “Maybe if I do this….” In the case of a lost relationship, we might actually bargain with the person we lost in an effort to get them back. “If I change my behavior, will you come back?”
Depression
The depression stage is just as it sounds, a time of sadness. It generally follows denial, anger, and bargaining when we feel helpless and hopeless to stop the loss. It may include crying, withdrawal, or any other way that expresses sadness.
Acceptance
The final stage is acceptance. Most often we have gone through all of the above stages and in many cases cycled through the above stages more than once before getting to acceptance. At this stage, we have (to some extent) reorganized ourselves and our thinking to incorporate the loss. This does not mean that we no longer get sad about the loss from time to time, but the sadness is now a part of us and does not keep us from functioning normally most of the time. Over time, the intensity of the sadness generally diminishes, but may never entirely go away.
I have been happy lately and not like the up and down whatever just happy… at first honestly it confused me, but I realized I finally am at acceptance. I feel good and even though it to a little over 4 years to get to this point its nice. I am no longer mad at any one, I no longer blame anyone. I can hold a baby without wishing was mine, or be friends with someone who is pregnant or has kids. That feels really good to FINALLY be able to say that.
I no longer grieve too for my body’s inability to get pregnant I am happy with the adoption and I have choose that path and accept it whole heartedly. I am so glad to be able to move on and be ok again. I am at peace knowing Hannah is in heaven and that there was a reason this happened. Its still a sad thing but that sadness no longer has control of my life I am free…
