Everything in my life right now is a mess… and what makes it harder there is no one I can go to… No one understands what I feel or go through and nothing helps… I feel so lost and alone in everything I do anymore, I hate everything, including myself.

Situation #1:

My friend Shiloh Was going to move in for a few months until she can get her own place etc… and that was fine… Before I told her that Johnny wasnt ok with cats in the house or her coffin… (the coffin is a real one she collects old victorian coffins, not caskets) She was pretty upset, and I understand that but at the same time living in some ones home whether for free or for rent is not like living in a apartment or anything and I think that the home owner should be able to decided that something like that is ok or not… Shiloh doesn’t think so… and I feel bad because I know that having her cat with her and having her coffin are important to her but I cant say yes because its not all up to me and I am not going to try to talk Johnny into it which is what it seems she wants me to do… like last night she told me to “grow a pair” because johnny walks all over me which in some cases it may seem so but there is more to the picture that she doesn’t see there… Then Johnny claimed some of his prescription ibuprofen was missing so I asked her if she had taken any… not as OMFG you thief sort of thing but more or less just trying to figure out if he was missing some… i honestly didn’t think she had but i asked any way I dunno why… so any way now she is in my opinion unnecessarily “offended” and shes all pissed at me over that and thats fine because thats her prerogative to feel however she wants. Now I realize that asking was a dumb fuck thing to do… but i cant go back and shove that thought back into my head before she heard me you know?!

Situation #2:
My shopping addiction is so hard for me to fight every day I have to battle my mind to make the right choices and no matter what I do i still end up in a mess just not as bad as it used to be… I am tired of this and Johnny will bail me out and then having nothing to do with me but be mad at me… and I need more than that I need help with managing this especially when sometimes i black out and dont even know what happened I cant get a hold of the problem long enought to do anything about it…

Situation #3:
I have no ambition, motivation or even the energy do do anything I am sick of my house always looking like crap, and never getting anything acomplished and I dont know what to do about it… i think when my new insurance kicks in I am going to ask for a high does of citalopram which supposedly helps with depression and shopping addiction