I dont want to close my site but i havent felt like blogging because of the things that have been going on… but there is no one i know who can support me so i might as well just put it out there and get what i get…

I have never openly admitted this but I have a shopping adiction… that to most people is a joke or people thing “oh you just shop to much” or “thats not an adiction”… its the same as being on drugs… no i may not be on something but its mind altering, i have withdrawls, if i have no money on my card its like i dont know what to do with my self it sends me into a panic. I dont evern get any enjoyment out of the things i buy there are even times when i truly dont remember making purchases and such. I feel sometimes like i blacked out and there is a gap in what my day was like and if im asked i genuinly dont know… i thought maybe i was just bad with money but now i realize that thats not the case… Its generally triggered by feeling alone or upset and having no one to turn to… I know I cant turn to Johnny because he just gets angry and no one else even believes if such an adiction… so what do i do… what can i do. I am sick of this I dont like it I hate leaving my house because i dont even want to be tempted. I am so depressed and every day i just get more and more depressed… i realize that the adoption thing is way off… i knew that any way i just need that thought in my mind as hope that some day some how i can have a child no matter what… but this is first and i cant do this any more.

I always feel so alone I seriously have NO one to talk to I dont want to be screamed at and I dont want to be alone… which I am all the time it seems… even when johnnys here hes never around me… I cant keep up with my house work or manage to get anything done, i cant even focus on reading a book or watching tv… or knitting or scrapbooking my mind is always focused on how will i get my money problem taken care of or what i want to buy next… i cant turn it off i cant think of anything else it just wont stop… I dont even know who I am I know a few things i m not but thats all i know… i wish i could just sort this all out but i dont have a even the slightest clue how…

I haven’t blogged in a while because i am disappointed in so much right now… the adoption process is on hold right now because of a few things that need to be fixed in our home before we can be approved, and we do have the money for it or any one who will lone it to us. I figured the things would be maybe $500 or so but at the moment its more like $5000 so we will have to do a little at a time before we can proceed. I was really looking forward to finally having a child in my home. It really hit me last night when I was zoning infant hard lines at work and seeing all of the diapers and sippy cups and blankeys and all that other stuff really got me thinking I cant wait to be picking out what kind of baby food I want to feed her, or what baby soap is the one I want to use on my child and getting to pick out cute clothing and decorating the room for her and all of that stuff, and now I just have to wait. I guess thats life, its just hard to have to put this on hold too you know.

A family member of mine struggled with some drug issues a while back and went to a decent rehab facility, and this drug treatment website helps refer people to a great facility that meets their specific needs location etc. The assist with intervention and after care also so any one seeking help for themselves or some one they know can get the help they are looking for.

I am so glad I went to the adoption info meeting, I wish Johnny could have gone I got a lot of information about everything and I plan on attending another meeting on the 13th. I am really excited about adopting, I know were going to adopt a child within California but I am not sure what age I know that we wont request a sex because that just seems to… i don’t know i would just fee wrong about that. I know I would be willing to take any child the only thing that has me nervous is taking an African American child thats super dark… I wouldn’t care because i think that they are just as cute as any other baby but what scares me is that for one i am white… like bleached printer paper white… and johnny is fair skinned hes tan but still considered white and i am afraid eventually the child would feel like he or is she different and feel left out being so different and i wouldn’t want other kids or people teasing them because of it… i guess thats more of the worlds problem though… if it weren’t me worried about what every one else thought i wouldn’t really care though, if you have an opinion on this please let me know what you think because i am torn on this issue… other than that i am not worried at all i cant wait to get started it will probably be about a year before we actually get a child but if we are lucky maybe not. I am just anxious to finish a few things around the house and get everything started.
I also think once we actually have done the home study and receive our approval I may request to only work twice a week or just put in my two weeks so that once we do get a child I can stay at home with “it” (i know a child is not a thing i use it because i don’t know if we will get a boy or girl so for now it is simply it… a variable there word “it” is not meant to demean a child’s value or humanity in any way shape or form!). I think the thought of not knowing the sex or even ethnicity is doubly exciting its 2 surprises in one and thats awesome. I think the one thing we will request is that the child is 2 or less because this would be our first child and were still young so that would be a good age to start with id prefer a newborn but there is a long list for newborns and i don’t know if i want to wait a year or two to be able to bring a child home. I haven’t talked to johnny yet after the meeting because he has been at work since 11 he thought he was getting off at 7 but its already 8:52 so i guess hes going to work a full 12 hours which sucks but rocks at the same time because the first 8 hours are time and a half ($25) and the last for are double time ($34) so he will make abut $336 just today and that will definitely help us pay off a few debts and have some to save for the adoption process!