I feel so bummed out right now… I really wanted to spend the day with Johnny’s but after he got home from work he changed out of his work clothes and went to the dairy and ran them around… which sucks because for one he didnt ask me if i wanted to do anything or even let me know he was going until he was heading out the door. Then tonight when he was home he bitched about every little thing like how little I did… even though i was in and out of the bathroom all day and felt crappy from mid day on and he knew that. I made dinner he ate in front of the computer and didn’t say a word to me until about 3 hours later when he got up to go to bed and that was it. Its depressing, all the days I worked I was looking forward to having some time with him and we spend about 10 minutes together the whole day. I am so angry and upset I really hate this I wish i was tougher and didn’t need an attention and could get by on my own… I hate dealing with depression and lack of ambition energy and so on. I am trying to get well and manage my life better but its hard without someone there for you and some one being understanding, and lately it seems like maybe hes just to sick of it or maybe he doesn’t care i have no clue but i feel like I’m getting more and more depressed and it scares me because i want to feel good and be happy. I want to live a normal life and get past this and more and more i fear i never will and that just makes me want to not live at all… it messes with my head it makes me want to do things… lately all i think about is money and buying poo, when i was younger I had a major spending addiction and it seems that now I am starting to have that problem again, and I also used to be bulimic and every time i even think of eating the first instinct i have is ti make my self puke… so far i have actually done it but I’m worried i will… its like a craving to do either one and I’m afraid to even say anything about either one to any one i know because honestly i don’t know if i could trust them to help me… i’m afraid the will ether having nothing to do with me or just act like its nothing and i should just stop… which if it were really that simple thousands if not millions wouldn’t suffer from these things. I have even planned out how i could hide being bulimic… from tooth brushes to taking bags every where i go so i could dispose of it without making a mess… no matter where i go… shout wipes, baby wipes and tooth paste and maybe a mini mouth wash for super fresh breath… no one would know, they didn’t before until i said something. and that seriously upsets me because i should even think about it but it just pops into my head.

I just wish i hadn’t been alone all day and I could have spend some time with some one. i get so lonely and i shouldn’t, but i don’t know what to do…

Any more everything is so expensive, so any time you can get a deal on something your going to get any way its always great! you can get coupon codes for a whole bunch of sites my favorite being Gaiam I get a bunch of stuff from there so those will definitely come in handy and drugstore.com i get things from there every once in a while. they have a lot of coupons on the site too so there is something for every one… and it never hurts to save some money!