I feel like screaming right now, i feel so frusterated with myself I never seem to get as much as I would like to done, I always fight everything and I dont even know im doing it at times. I just want to have a baby in my arms and thats it…

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I seriously do not understand the sudden shift that has taken place in my life… and my home. I was depressed for so long and never took anything for it, last month I finally saw a doctor and started some medication that I would need to commit to for 3 months… But now its like I don’t know Johnny… sometimes when he gets all funky and pisses me off I think to my self “who the frick is this person???” I have been very calm and trying very hard to accept the changes in my life, and that getting through 3 years of depression while on the medication isn’t easy but I feel I am making progress. But its gradual and that’s what I don’t understand, it seems like 2 minutes after I swallowed the first pill Johnny was mad at me because I am not “all better”. I feel so disappointed I am having a heard time just believing in myself and making myself get through this and believing that its working and it makes me feel like I’m walking around with and elephant on my chest when Johnny’s makes me feel so pressured. lately he gets so pissed off about everything, the more I do and the more I try the less satisfied he is.
I like working at target but sometimes its hard after for so long not having a job and then going to a place that is very fast paced and not always knowing what to do etc. But even when I don’t want to I make myself go and get what I need to done. Now I get grief about that too he complained less… and expected less when I was unemployed. Honestly I want to cry right now I am so frustrated and upset, I want to feel good and have a day that someone doesn’t poo on, and celebrate the fact that I am staring to feel better, do better and be better. But so far it seems like I cant. I am so close to my breaking point I have regained some of my confidence and I am not going to be pushed around any more… by any one.
I love Johnny but I will be damned if he keeps this poo up I am seriously not going to take any poo. I believe in being kind, calm and fair and no matter how mad (or loud) he gets I stay clam because I know that only stupid poo is said in a loud angry voice your mind cannot be clear when your screaming so loud you cant even hear your own thoughts. I don’t do that and I refuse to behave like that.
I don’t give a heaping crap who says what because the next day I am off is mine and any dill weed that comes and tries to mess it up for me is going to be slapped!
I was so caught up in my depression there is a lot of little things that were going on that I was missing… but I get it now and I am not going to put up with that any more either… I just cant.
I am trying to get better but the more awake to all of this i become the angrier i get and more frustrated i become and I feel like I have no one not even my own husband to count on… lately he just does and say all this stupid poo that really upsets me I tell him it does and i wan him to stop and he not only keeps doing it but then gets mad because i said anything about it…
I have made some friends at work and a few are guys… one is gay and so obviously he isn’t going to be all up on me… not that any of them would any way… but still hes like “oh i know you flirt with guys” or “are there any hot guys there” but hes serious and even accused me of “not telling them I am married” which i most certainly do. I don’t like being accused of poo and if i even said i knew some one at work that had a penis he’d flip out. I have never flirted with any guys since i have been with him and i have never given him a reason to think anything like that. It makes me angry that I cant have any guy friends… and if im online he always accuses me of chatting with guys and poo which it bull!!! There are only 3 people i ever IM Jenn, Misty and my hosting service… but that is it. I swear the next moron to step out of line is getting there ass handed to them I am done with the nonsense i have put up with for far to long its my life and I can once again deal with it so not I will!!!!

I sit here to night trying to think of someting profound to say… but the truth is nothing of such can be locatated any where with in my brain so instead lets just go on a journey together…. come on lets go… im so kidding guys…

any who I am so frusterated I hate such a horrible night I totally had a ka-chong moment at work I started crying perfusly and couldnt stop It was imbaracing, upsetting and I honestly am not sure what the hell happened. I totally felt like a <strike>dillhole</strike> make that a double dillhole… I seriously hope that never happens again.

I am so stressed too but i will explain later but right now I have got to eat because I am starving!!