I am so bummed out tonight, I cant stop thinking about how much I want to have a baby. I cannot believe its been over 3 years since Hannah died, its so crazy to be here now. I mean when everything happened then I thought I would never get past that pain and be able to go on, but some how I am here and time did pass. Honestly I don’t know where the hell the time went, I makes me feel so sad and angry to be at this point though. I thought within a year or two I would be able to get pregnant again and have a baby… I cant even get a regular period and I want to scream about it. I just cant seem to stick to my diet, or exercise very much… I know that if I lose weight my period will come back, so I have got to focus on that. I just cant seem to find my center, I try to meditate and I just cant clear my mind I cant focus. So as much as the idea hurts, and makes me want to shoot my self in the flippin foot I am going to take anti-depressants for 3 months and hopefully that will help to give me the boost I need to make the changes I need to.

I am excited though… Johnny will finally be leaving the dairy he has been hired by an awesome company. Hopefully all these things will be a new beginning for us in several ways so we can get everything in our lives worked out the way they should!