I am so bummed out tonight, I cant stop thinking about how much I want to have a baby. I cannot believe its been over 3 years since Hannah died, its so crazy to be here now. I mean when everything happened then I thought I would never get past that pain and be able to go on, but some how I am here and time did pass. Honestly I don’t know where the hell the time went, I makes me feel so sad and angry to be at this point though. I thought within a year or two I would be able to get pregnant again and have a baby… I cant even get a regular period and I want to scream about it. I just cant seem to stick to my diet, or exercise very much… I know that if I lose weight my period will come back, so I have got to focus on that. I just cant seem to find my center, I try to meditate and I just cant clear my mind I cant focus. So as much as the idea hurts, and makes me want to shoot my self in the flippin foot I am going to take anti-depressants for 3 months and hopefully that will help to give me the boost I need to make the changes I need to.

I am excited though… Johnny will finally be leaving the dairy he has been hired by an awesome company. Hopefully all these things will be a new beginning for us in several ways so we can get everything in our lives worked out the way they should!

I am so tired, Johnny and I just got back from Sacramento, we drove all the way up there (about 2 hours) to drop off a set of papers and then came back… I am just glad to be home and out of the car!

I am so glad all of the reading, studding, quizzes and videos are over with at target. I actually start work on Friday we have to spend 20 hours working with some one, but that’s just fine because hopefully they will be able to show me how everything works and where everything is and all that good stuff. I am excited to finally start, but also nervous, I always feel so semiconscious and feel like people are gawking at me or poking fun at me or i look so bad its disgusting. I just hope everything goes fine and I don’t make my self look like a dumb ass you know???

I am thinking about getting my hair done… I need to get it trimmed a little but I really want to get purple highlights, My friend Shandi had hers done like that and it looked great with her dark brown hair, but I don’t know if I will do it or not… we will see. I want to get my nose pierced and have for the longest time but my mom I know will be so pissed, which whatever I am an adult I can do what I want, but Johnny doesn’t like the idea either… which really sucks because I would like to do it.

The weight loss things has been on the rocks, I am still trying but I cannot manage to stay focused it seems that refined sugar and bleached flour are my enemy I really have got to avoid them though… Which is so tough because any more just about everything has one or both and that leaves me with what leaves grass and fruit I can eat… oh yea salad too. sigh, i love sweet stuff too but I know I just cant have them and thats that.

I still haven’t got my period I just don’t feel pregnant, I really want to believe it didn’t come because I am pregnant but I don’t know if that will be the case, I am going to take a pregnancy test tonight and if i am not pregnant I am going to start on the lexapro sample my doctor gave me, hopefully that will help keep me from being depressed so I can do more and be more productive.

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Well I finally go the free them up! Its in the content section. I also keep coming across more and more crap that is all screwed up or just completly outdated, I am trying to work on that and hopefully, eventually I will be able to fix everything. I have about 15 brush sets I need to add but I dont feel like it right now, I am debating deleting all of the old ones since the new ones and 100 times better but i dunno yet.

I am getting so frustrated… for one its been 37 days now and still no period I took a pregnancy test 2 days ago and i am not pregnant… again that would be fine if my period had atleast came but it didnt. And for that last week and a half I have been breaking out liek crazy I wash my face with special wash just for acne and I use cream several times a day and it gets rid of them but I keep getting more… Plus to top it off now all of the sudden I am getting really bad dandruff and I have no clue why because I rinse like crazy and havent used anything different in my hair the same shampoo as always and I use no other hair product than my shampoo and conditioner so WTF is up…

Today is a crappy day any way I woke depressed, I have been better this week but today I just feel like crying I dont want to do anything, i feel exausted and worn out… and yet I slept like 8 hours and havent done a whole lot so I just dont get it…