I have poured the majority of depressing whining, bitching, complaining and god knows what else on this blog. I have wallowed for far to long, and its time to step out of the muck shake it off and move forward. I have what I do and don’t have what I don’t have… thats that, thats something that I seem to fight with every day. I want everything, and I have more than I should already. I try to deny it and hid it from every one but I am spoiled. I am a grown up and I have been doing what I thought I had to to just make it through the day, but it turns out I was wrong.

I miss Hannah but I am ok with that. I want to get pregnant but I need to adjust my life according to what it is not what it could be. I let each day pass me by with little or nothing to show for it. I have let a single event in my life leave my whole world in shambles. Its time to rebuild, re-evaluate, and figure out who I am now and just where this all has left me.

I miss my job… I hated the manager and despised the petty bull that went on from day to day but none the less it was a place to go and a little money and I liked having a job. I got exercise every day because I walked there. I could not hide in my home, because I was forced to get dressed and throw myself out of my house into the world, out of my little box to do something other than what I had done for month before I had job. But in the end I must accept I do not have that job any more and missing it will get me no where so i need to let it go.

I keep saying I am going to do this and that but this and that never get accomplished. The biggest problem is in order to do anything I have to wait for some one to take me where I want or need to go and that goes along with their terms agenda etc… a lot of times my mom will take me but then I have to go to her house and wait around for her for a few hours before she will take me home, so any more I just avoid this all together. I need to make an appointment with an eye doctor and then work on getting my damn license. I am tired of spending so much time immobilized when I have a laundry list of things I need and want to be doing.

I have got to stop buying so much stuff this past month I have spent way to much and I have to stop it… I don’t need all that stuff I just cant stop buying… there is this credit card shaped hole with in and no matter how much I spend I cannot fill it… so i will have to cement the bitch over huh?

I want to do something to have a more peaceful life, a more peaceful attitude but how do I even begin to do that? I need a hippie please… I’m serious! I want to be a calm and more loving person, I want to be more comfortable with my self, more open to change and more committed to the changes I want in my life…