this is nothing new but its that time of year when everything slides down hill and I wake up every morning wanting to scream… I cant believe my daughter would have been 3 in just a few weeks. I know that I cant change the situation and I accept it but none the less it still hurts.

I know having another baby wont replace the one I lost but I so desperatly want a baby. I hate my body so much for all of this… I just want to get pregnant and have a healthy baby.

I don’t know what I will have to do to get pregnant… at this point I am not even sure I can any more. I hate to say that but after this long how else should I feel??? I took clomid this month and I hope it will work, if it doesn’t I think I will ask my doctor to bump up the amount. People keep saying be patient it will happen… I have been patient for 3 and a half years… I have been waiting to have a healthy baby to take home since I found out I was pregnant that has never happened. I want that. I don’t want to wait any more… but want to or not I have no choice! I was talking to an adoption agency yesterday about the requirements and the adoption process and I have no problem adopting a baby in fact in some ways for my life right now it makes more since. Maybe that is what I should be pursuing rather than having my own right now. I could always have one later or at least try once the child I adopted is 3 or 4. I honestly don’t know exactly what I am going to do but I have always wanted to adopt a child any way although I thought I would do that once I had already had a couple of kids of my own. But the more I think about it the more it seems to just fit, so maybe that is what I will be doing eventually…

I haven’t got any of my Christmas shopping done which I really need to, I am going with my mom later to shop a little, I don’t even know what I am getting people…