I really have got to get this baby thing out of my head or at least pushed off to the side for a while… I am saving up for a treadmill I have no clue how long it will take to get it though. I am really trying to focus on losing weight and finding inner peace. I am going to look into taking a yoga class or something like that, I could really use the time out away from here and I have heard yoga is very peaceful and calming and I could really use that right now. Lately I have become a lot more spiritual on the inside but I don’t know how to externalize that. I am trying to push my self to try new things and reveal more of my self to the world (by that I do not mean i am going to go around flashing random people) I just need to push my limits and find inner peace. I have been at war with my self for to long and if I don’t changed something it will never end. I want to lose weight and I do believe this will help, I want to feel beautiful. I don’t know if I ever will… I found a few days ago 2 big blue veins showing through on my outer right thigh… I nearly cried plus I have a ton of those tiny red and purple veins all over my legs… ick plus I have stretch marks and I cant get rid of these things… so feeling beautiful may never happen but I could feel good about my size I am not huge now but I could be smaller so that is my main external focus right now. and I could really use some cheer leaders so when I get down and discouraged please help me to get through all of this!

I spent pretty much all day with Johnny and as usual we spent the day running around… Sometimes it feels like this will never end. I just wish we could spend time together for ourselves rather than running around like crazy for the dairy and everyone.

On a better note we got satelite tv over at my house… and i figured out how to improve my satelite conectivity…