Every day I try to do as much as I can but I never seem to accomplish much. I hate that, the I feel like the day was a waste. I have so many things I want to add to the site but I never get around to most of it… I have so many little things around here I want to do and I do what I can but I never feel like I did enough. I think I need to change how I manage my time, I don’t really screw around but I must move to slow because I never feel like something major has been accomplished.

Cats are so crazy… Feisty wants to play with me anytime I’m doing something but as soon as I’m ready to play with her she’s already worn herself out and ready to go to sleep. Cats are so awesome though any time I am down one of them usually do something goofy and make me laugh… feisty is seriously crazy and she has a tendency to fall off of things which can be funny but not so funny things  when she does she usually comes over and wants me to love on her. She also loves walking across my keyboard when I’m on the computer (if anything is misspelled its her fault lol).

I am kind of excited in 6 days Johnny’s parents will be leaving for the Azores for 5 weeks… I don’t have any problem with them but its sort of been hard being here because they are always saying things to Johnny and making things harder in little ways. I feel like a teenager all over again sometimes and I hate it I like to be free and be able to do my own thing so things have been weird for me over here. I am going to be doing the cooking and Laundry while they are gone which is fine I will be able to try out some new recipes I printed out. I don’t think I have been lazy about cooking what did they do before me??? Johnny’s mom thinks I am and her sister even made a comment to Johnny, something to the effect of “are you worried about having to come home and cook too?” like I am such a lazy ass that I wouldn’t cook wtf? I haven’t cooked a whole lot while I have been here but I do cook for every one which isn’t easy when you have never made food for more than 2 people so cooking for 4 or 5 people is a pretty big difference. They work any where from 14 to 16 hours a day and so they eat a lot more too so feeding them is not so easy. I don’t think I should be expected to cook all the time for all of them and if I cook I wont just cook for one person or just me and Johnny because I know they all need to eat. Their mom used to cook all the time but since I have been here she rarely does… plus we have had almost no food or money to buy food…

My cats have fleas I bought some carpet stuff to sprinkle that is supposed to kill them… Feisty is only 6 or 7 weeks old so she isn’t old enough for a flea bath she needs something though she has a lot! Prika and her babies have them too I am going to bathe Prika tomorrow and put a flea collar on her tomorrow because I cant stand all these fleas…

All afternoon I was in so much pain, this is by far the most painful periods I have ever had… I usually try to stay away from any kind of pain medication but today I could barely walk so I took 2 ibuprofen which helped a lot… Also my boobs are huge I swear they are a whole cup size bigger and I’m a D… no wonder my poor back hurts I’m sporting boobs the size of bowling balls… I cant wait to be done I hate hurting like this…

I really hate ebay and paypal… their fees are ridiculous they charge way to much. between listing and payment fees depending of the amount you pay out quite a bit… They must make a few million a day on all that maybe more…

Ok all day I have felt a bit tired and didn’t really want or feel like doing much of anything, but I did go to a few yard sales with my mom and I played outside with the kittens for about an hour and started a knitting project I said I would months ago.Johnny got sort of mad at me for not doing a few things and I am not mad (like normally I would be) but for once I decided to do something different I didn’t get mad I just left the situation alone. I also understand why he was mad, but I also understand how I feel and what things are like for me. I also didn’t even try to refute what he said because there was no point everything I say comes out like an excuse in a way I guess it is but in my eyes its a valid one… I also realized of coarse Johnny cant understand that this isn’t normal, this isn’t me or even sympathize with me, because since he has known me I have always been this way… seriously depressed. I have never been any other way around him so he knows no different. I past the point of needing some kind of medication over a year ago, this has gone on way to long but I didn’t want to believe it I wasn’t ready to yet. I also wish I could see a counselor for a little bit because this isn’t healthy, this isn’t normal and I am honestly tired of this. I need some way to get out of this mess. I have been so depressed for so long and I don’t know what to do about it but now I realize I need to do something about it.

I know my blog is probably boring or to… whatever and I am sorry but I have to say this and I have to be honest other wise what would be the point?

I am so bad about expressing my true feelings to people in real life but on here I can always say exactly what I feel no problem there have been a few times I wrote an entry and then had the person read it because I just cant seem to find the words to just say it to them… I really need to work on that.

Earlier my mom while going through some baby clothes at a yard sale and said to me hey maybe this time next year you will be pregnant and we can find some cute stuff for you… I know she was trying to cheer me up but right now that is something I don’t even want to think about because what if I just cant?

Ok I was going to fully switch to a new host so I moved lost in love and a few others as well as one of the people I currently host and then the mysql goes down for over 26 hours, with no response even their support system was down that’s ridiculous so I got everything and moved it back, which was great fun… NOT! the host I have always responds within a half hour usually less than that… 26 hours that is not acceptable in a host so i will remain here which is perfectly fine…Prika finally had her kittens she had 5 tiny kittens, as big as she was you would thing there were about twice as many or they were twice as big but I’m glad there wasn’t 10 and I am glad they were small because there first one was really hard for her to push out the poor thing let out several scream like meows but finally she had the first one and after that the rest came out faster and easier. There are way to many kittens here and I don’t know how to get rid of them, there are 17 outside and now 5 in the house and 2 more in the barn… I think I know some one who wants one but what about the rest? I want them to go to a decent home and I don’t want them to go to the pound. Also they all need to be fixed I wish I could get the mama cats fixed because they shouldn’t keep having babies but there is probably 8 or more that need to be fixed and its $80 or more to fix each one and I cant afford that.

I have been so tired lately I know its the progesterone, the nurse even told me to take it at night because it will make me tired. Everyday since I started taking it I have had almost no energy or enthusiasm, and haven’t got much done. I only have 5 more days left and I am done with it though and if it will help sort out my problem then it will be well worth it. of coarse once it does its thing and I actually get my period she assured me to have thick pads on hand at all times because it would be the mother of all periods… and I guarantee I wont feel like doing much dealing with that… ick.

As of today Johnny and I have been together for 8 months, that is so crazy it doesn’t seem like it has been that long. All day today we were constantly saying one thing with the other saying OMG I was just thinking the same thing that happens a lot but today was off the charts but it was cute. We spent most of the day cleaning, well he did more than me this time he did the majority because I seriously had no energy and was ready to take a nap, but i did do some too and I did some things while he was sleeping. My living room is almost totally sorted through and organized and so is my extra bedroom. there is just a few more things to be done and the whole place will be spotless. After our cleaning extravaganza we showered and went out for a nice dinner at the olive garden, we would have gone to a movie too but it was getting late and he needed to get to bed so we will have to do that next time. I am so lucky to have met Johnny he really has made my life so much better, I love him so much!!!