I realized several things today:I was thinking about Johnny a lot today. I spent pretty much the entire day with him driving to Fresno. It was nice being with him and all day I was in a good mood and was generally happy. I was laying in bed next to him when we got back and realized that even though I said I loved Johnny I just wasn’t 100% sure that I really wanted to be with him forever, but it hit me I really do I love him so much and feel so lucky and blessed that he is in my life. There is no one I would choose over him, I wouldn’t trade him for anything or any one. I don’t care if we are rich or poor I just know that if we are together I will be happy. Nothing in this world is ever prefect but I know in my heart that he is the person that I was meant to be with. Its been 7 months and it feels like I have known him forever, I feel so good right now I feel so full of love.
I also realized that everything was ok, not everything had to be fixed right now. Its ok to be down sometimes (to a degree) Its ok to miss Hannah and be sad about losing her. Even though a lot of my blogs are depressing I don’t write things to just be down its just how I feel, if no one comments or reads it that is ok I do this so I can express my feelings and just get what I need to out and in front of me. Don’t get me wrong I love comments and truly appreciate them though! I am ok with not having a baby right now I want one but the world is not going to end (even though sometimes it feels like it). I will not change anything so if i got pregnant that’s fine but if not I wont worry about it until the dairy situation is setteled and we are married… which should be on or around November 4th.

I also realized that I need to change some habits of mine and focus on something’s, I really need to focus on school I don’t care how long it takes I just need to et it done. I really want to be a better person and get more involved in a church I miss going and feel bad for having not gone in so long. I also know that I need to change some of the people I associate with I want to be a positive influence to people I know and even on my blog I need to stop it with the bad words I just don’t like it any more. When I was younger I couldn’t wait to swear (probably because it was forbidden) and now I am in the habbit of saying bad words and I really don’t like it. I have exchanged S.O.B. with son of a biscuit eater and F**K with Foca which means Seal (the animal) in Portuguese and Spanish. I also need to change some of my behavior and get over my shyness about affection. I need to watch what I do how I present my self what I wear, what I represent, what I listen to, who I am around and what people say around me and what I should say, I want to have a child and be a good mother and this world is a ery sad evil place. One thing I recently say on a site was that this young lady stated she was a big bitch and hated the majority of people, now what kind of child will this person raise when they promote such things? the world needs love and positive things not people who are proud to be a bitch. I am always proud to stand up for what I believe in no matter what people say or think of me even if it makes people not like me or think I am a bitch but I don’t try to be a bitch or feel proud of being such. Even if you don’t have children this isn’t something to be proud of, be proud that you are a good person or help others be proud of something positive you add to this world not the negativity you add to it.

I love 80’s music I always have but today I was looking through some songs and found that lost in love is an 80’s song by air supply… I didn’t know that!

My poor Kitty Prika is still pregnant, I cant believe it I was sure she would have her kitties today, she is going to have a ton which isnt all that good since there is already kittens here. Those poor babies need some real food now the moms are starting to dry up too so tomorrow I need to get some food for them.

I need to check a few things and then get to sleep good night all!