Sigh… I am annoyed… hell lets be real here I am straight up frigging pissed. Because for one I cant get my period no matter what but I am not pregnant. I want a baby so badly and now that I have a good relationship with the man I love and we both feel ready for a baby I can’t get pregnant. I hate it I want to scream at the top of mu lungs chuck a few things at random people who piss me off, throw around a few choice words, rip my hair out and then some ones head of and then calm down and collect my self… well metaphorically any way… I don’t know what the hell is wrong but I am totally frustrated and at my whit’s end trying to calculate fertile days and remembering to use my ovulation scope and ration my ovulation sticks… and now I purchased a basal thermometer which should lead to even more fun… ha ha (like I’m really laughing now that’s funny) I need to grab a calendar and start charting as soon as it gets here also I am trying to lose some weight… this time for real. If it will get me closer to being a mom finally then I will do it plus I think I would feel better about myself. After I reach my weight loss goal (15 lbs) I will start taking clomid yet again hopefully all of this will increase my chances. and If I have the money by then (about $200 + $45 for 30 sticks) I will buy a fertility monitor that way it can help  me calculate everything and pin point key times. I have been reading the conception chronicles which I probably started about 50 times and then about 2 pages in I would burst out in tears thinking OMG its come to this I am reading an infertility book and then putting it down… but this time after my teary out burst I reminded my self I bought the book for a reason and it cost $12 (not a lot if I read it but a total waste if I didn’t) and now over the coarse of a day I am half way through it and It has really opened my eyes and made me feel better that I am not the only woman going through this and I needed that. Some things really didn’t apply in my case but the majority of information and the personal stories are comforting. Apparently I am not losing my mind (hopefully) but this whole infertility thing is driving me mad…Damn it still no kitties either what gives… she has a belly the size of a 10 lb watermelon and never looks very comfortable but nothing I even lifter her tail and looked in hopes that maybe something was popping out… no suck luck. I am afraid se will have them when I am not here some where that would totally suck for me, like the bed or on the desk where she has been laying lately. Its cute she gets up here and lays either in front or behind they keyboard while i am using it and then try’s to stretch her legs over it which like I said is cute but gets annoying very quickly as she persistently repeats this. Plus she is shedding like crazy which is driving me crazy.

alright damn it now Prika is on the mouse cord and every time I move the mouse she growls and bats at my hand… Great now she’s hissing too… pregnancy has made her crazy.

OK I have been so great for the past few days and have been so relieved about the papers and what not but tonight I am a bit down… an of you who read my blog somewhat regularly know all about why though…I was reading a book about people who are TTC (Trying to conceive) and I will admit that previously I shouldn’t have been or wasn’t ready… I have been ready and able to care for a baby since I was 18 (when I first got pregnant) I have always been more grown up for my age, that’s just me. I wasn’t always emotionally ready to deal with pregnancy again though, after Hannah died it became an obsession I had to get pregnant and sex was only had when I was ovulating and after Hannah was born sex was very painful and I hated it I loathed the times I was ovulating but I would grit my teeth and inform Brandon and he would do it probably more for the sex than the baby but I’d take it either way if i would help me get pregnant, I didn’t care it was with Brandon I didn’t care about any one but my self and that was wrong… but that was 2 years ago and I didn’t know how to deal with losing my child I never dreamed my first baby would die. I always imagined what my life would be like when my baby got here and what I was having (I didn’t know until she was born that I was having a girl) I was so excited and everything was fine until I went into labor at 25 weeks (that’s 15 weeks early) I couldn’t believe it the only important thing was my baby I didn’t want my baby to be born now I wanted her to stay inside me until she was ready to be born and could go home with me… but no even when they stopped my contractions after 24 hours I was still dilating and all day I was told everything looks fine no contractions I was looking forward to dinner and then all the sudded they are rushing me to have an emergency cesarean and a doctor was telling me that since my baby would be so early it could die, I was so scared I wanted flip out but my baby needed me so i did my best to stay calm or at least as calm as I could. I remember then explaining the spinal before they gave it to me, the nurse in front of me held my hand I leaned over trying to keep from sobbing while hugging the nurse for deal life looking for any kind of comfort. I was so scared and kept thinking this isn’t how its supposed to be… they got her out and she was rushed off I didn’t get to see her for an hour but I didn’t care because I knew the doctor was getting her set up on the machines and helping to keep her alive and ok. for 3 weeks she did great everything was always good until the morning we went with my cousin, while we were washing up the doctor came to me and said Hannah was very sick and they were doing what they can for her, it was then I knew in my heart she would die I just knew… I watched as the doctor hovered over her poking her with needle after needle staring hopefully I could see in his face he wanted her to be ok, I wanted so much for him to tell me I was wrong she wouldn’t die but finally I couldn’t take it any more she was suffering and I hated watching them poke my tiny pound and a half baby over and over as she got paler and paler I finally told them to give her some pain medication and turn the machines off. They could have kept her alive longer they said but she would still die so why keep her suffering any longer than she had to it was a hard decision but I know it was the right choice. it was then that I became a different person i stopped being me and doing everything I once loved. I was so lost I left so much of myself behind I wasn’t ready for that, how many people are? I really lost touch of so much I quit school and everything else and just gave up for a while. I wish I hadn’t but I had just lost my first baby and didn’t know how to cope with that and Brandon didn’t help matters. after that I probably wasn’t emotionally ready for another baby until about a year, and i was mentally ready right after Brandon was gone. I however don’t thing I should have been open to the whole baby thing so soon in my relationship with johnny, however I did love Johnny and so i figured it was ok. But now we have been together almost 8 months and I do feel I am ready emotionally, mentally and I think that Johnny and I are ready for a baby. over that last 8 months I have grown up a lot, I have learned a lot about life, love and myself. I have learned through my loss the appreciation of the simple things and how to go on even if it doesn’t seem like I can… because I am strong enough and I can get through anything after getting through the loss of my baby, I will never be over it and I will never be able to replace her bring her back or make my feelings in this matter go away but I can live my life and I can be happy.

Johnny has made me so happy and being with him as really opened my eyes to how life and a relationship should be. Yes we have an occasional disagreement but we have never had a fight that involved yelling or throwing stuff lol so that is a plus. I love every second Johnny and I spend together but lately it feels like something is missing, a baby would bring so much in to our lives I truly believe that. I always get so excited about having a baby with him and imagining him as our baby’s daddy I know he would be awesome. and it would give us hope since things (the dairy etc) ha vent been so great. I wish I could announce I am pregnant but as far as I know I am not and although it isn’t my first priority it would be a very nice surprise. I hope that someday soon I can get pregnant… but first I need a period before I can get pregnant. As soon as I can I want to get checked out and get something to make me have my period.

I am so ready to be a mom and I truly feel that my relashionship with Johnny is stable enough and ready for a baby.

In other news NO KITTIES… wtf she has been pregnant forever and I am getting worried I cant have a bunch more kittens over here… but its not really up to me but if she has 10 i dont think they will all fit in the box i set out for her… crap

For one yesterday I finally got my papers right and go them filed… I was so relieved and happy I could have screamed it from the roof top. I felt like when you play the same level on nentendo forever and finally pass and get to go to an extra level and run around collecting coins… (I really miss playing that game). So any way its done and as of today it will be 6 months so October 22nd I will officially be Brandon free… FOREVER.I am also happy because Johnny read this thing to me that comes in the mail every so often, a Christian newsletter thingy (although he is catholic) and a lot of thing I had mentioned to him before it totally talked about, like things like the statues of Mary and other things that you shouldn’t focus on as much as god and the whole praying to statues is basically idolatry and I think by reading this he realized what I was talking about and trying to tell him before. I really want to get back to church, and its really important that Johnny and I are together on our religions beliefs because I want to send a good message to our children and if we don’t worship the same way or attend the same church kids see that and may get a bad impression, or any number of negatives from this. Also to be a strong person religiously you need your spouse to back you up and that way you are able to be stronger in Christ and build each other up and encourage one another and that is important in faith. My mom is Christian but my dad is not and I know that has made it hard for her and maybe made he make some un-Christian choices from time to time. I don’t want that I really want us to be together on everything we can so that our faith will be strong and our relationship will be great because we are together in such a powerful way. We are each others support system and I would like it to stay that way.

I swear my cat is going to have like 10 babies… she’s still pregnant… every day she just gets bigger and bigger and bigger and still no sign of any babies. Although the last few days her new resting spot has been a box I made up for her for when she has them, at first she kept hoping out and for several days would having nothing to do with it but on Thursday she was prowling the room testing places out and finally she came to the box looked in it and decided she liked it and has pretty much been there ever since, if she isn’t eating or going potty she’s asleep in the box. I am excited and I just want to see them already.

Now my next project is getting a few more books done for school, I know I will have to go back for the first semester which is fine but I would like to have as much as I can done so that I can be done A.S.A.P.!