Mar 17
Enough
icon1 Janice | icon2 Drama, General, Johnny, Whatever | icon4 03 17th, 2006| icon32 Comments »
OK I have attempted to block Brandon (my soon to be ex-husband)… not because of anything other than how can I let go of the past if its commenting on my site and throwing old messes and mishaps back in my face… I don’t like some of what he says and he clearly doesn’t listen because I am no longer trying to have a baby… Also he should move on and not even worry about what I am doing any more it is unhealthy for him and since he has a girlfriend he really shouldn’t be here, I certainly don’t want my boyfriend commenting on his ex-girlfriends site or whatever. My point is why is he here is he was over this he wouldn’t be here I guess this is the same old shit as before one of the many reasons I couldn’t be with him. He used to go on and on and torment me because he felt like shit about something so instead of moving on he would talk about the same thing over and over and over following me when I removed my self from the situation and making me miserable and although this really isn’t making me miserable, I do find his comments unneeded and full of speculation and selfishness. The must be some reason but it isn’t to make me feel better, give me advise or because he is my friend so … what the fucks up? It seems maybe he feels guilty or jealous for some reason because if you think about it, the fact he comments here, and what he says what’s the point? He and I are not together, we don’t really talk with the exception of brief conversations about the divorce but that’s is. I am not mad and I am sure he will fine a way to get on here and OK whatever that’s fine I guess but what’s the point? I am not trying to be mean here, and if it seems that way you are wrong… i just feel uncomfortable knowing my ex is leaving me comments … its weirdOn a better note today was OK not great but not bad either. I got a few things done which is always nice. I am hoping that I will have a little time to go home tomorrow and take some pictures of some things I want to sell and get to it, I know that once I really start getting rid of it I will feel better. Also I think I am going to rearrange my living room I am so sick of how it looks…
I actually got to spend most of today with my sweetie which was nice! Hopefully all this dairy stuff will get figured out so I can spend more time with Johnny.
I really want to put up a new layout but I have been so busy I haven’t had time to come up with anything cute maybe soon?

I have been cooking like crazy this week I made spaghetti, chicken and rice casserole, then yesterday I made fettucini and I made my own alfredo sauce, pork chops and Brussels sprouts, and this morning I made French toast and I would have cooked tonight but we have a lot of fettucini left and pork chops too…

Mar 16

I decided something today… I went through all of my maternity clothing and baby clothes and I will be getting rid of most of it… I have a ton of maternity clothes and am only keeping 2 or 3 things and I am only keeping the baby things that I really want. I was hanging on to this stuff for so long, Hannah died a little over to years ago now and so its time to get rid of the stuff and go on with my life. at this present time I just don’t see a baby in the near future so I decided that its time to be realistic and give up the dream of having a baby … at least for the time being. I will be auctioning everything off on ebay. It too along time to be able to say that I am finally ready to let this stuff go and get on with my life, but sometimes you have to until you are really ready to let go and as hard as it was sorting through all that stuff I knew it needed to be done. Also these were items I got when I was pregnant with Hannah and she isn’t here and never used any of it. Also if I do get pregnant later on I can always buy what I need then, I think that since the baby would be Johnny’s first and sort of mine too (since Hannah never came home so I never got to have here with me). It would be nice to get all of the essentials and clothing together since that is prat of the fun of expecting a baby. I am still keeping the crib, Moses basket, car seat and stroller and some other things but a lot of it is boxed up ready to go.
It also looks like we wont be moving as soon as I thought … maybe not at all. The place we were supposed to move to already got rented to sold to some one else and they weren’t looking for renters so now we are off to keep looking for a place to rent.

It was so cute when Johnny and I got home Henita (one of the cats here who is pregnant) was on the phone table staring up at the clock which was probably 4 feet higher than she could reach but she was just watching the hands move and finally she tried to get to it by putting her front paws up on the wall as high as she could… i should have taken a picture, but i didnt.
I am so tired so I need to get some sleep…

Mar 14
Acomplishments
icon1 Janice | icon2 General, Stress | icon4 03 14th, 2006| icon35 Comments »
I have started this new thing for myself because lately I have spent to much time online and not enough time focusing on my messy house, my homework and my general productivity … so I created a list with sections morning afternoon and evening each is made up of 8 tasks and the goal is to do at least 6 of each set of 8. So far its working nicely, since I am a visual person I printed it out and check it off each day and I can actually see what I have accomplished today and on the other days of the current week.I still haven’t found out if we will be moving … which thinking about it is both exciting and nerve wracking at the same time. I think once I know for sure what is going on I will feel better. Also I have decided that anything I don’t absolutely need I will get rid of because moving sucks as it is but with extra junk it will be that much harder.

I have been to down for way to long and I really feel its time for a change so hopefully this will help me get to where I want to be.

Mar 10
Busy
icon1 Janice | icon2 Johnny, Shopping | icon4 03 10th, 2006| icon37 Comments »

The last couple days I have been so busy. I did manage to get my divorce papers filled out and looked over, now I just need to make copies and I can get them filed. I still haven’t gotten my period or had the time to get a test but that’s fine whatever I will find out for sure on the 15th if I don’t have the time before that…

Last night was pretty fun, I went to a CAbi party which I had never been to before and their clothes are so adorable I bought a couple skirts, I cant wait to get them. I am almost done shopping for new clothes, so far I have bought 19 skirts, 10 capris, 3 pairs of shoes, 8 bracelets, a sweater, 2 shirts and 2 pairs of gouchos, 2 pairs of sunglasses, all I need now is a few more shirts and I will be set, although I plan on buying another skirt from CAbi later… Once I have all the shirts I need I will have to go through my clothset and get rid of all my old stuff most of it doesn’t even fit any more so it needs to go!

Felicia wants to move in with me (well her and her husband do) but now I may be moving so I don’t think that will happen because I already have someone who wants to rent out my mobile home and I told her that she could if I moved. I just talked to Felicia and she seemed mad but this was not planned it was really out of the blue actually.

Johnny has a place for the dairy to move so right now they are tying up loose ends and working out the details so they can move, he believes there are several houses or at least a house and a few mobile homes so we will see, if its decent then I told him I would move there too, it might be nice to move out of the area and sort of start over. Although I am not looking forward to moving… If I do move I am going to get rid of everything I can because the more stuff I take the longer it will take to unpack and get everything situated. I am not sure when we find out for sure probably sometime next week.

Mar 8
OK the deal with last night I wrote that when I was still upset Johnny and I talked and whatever and are perfectly fine now… I was like this when I was pregnant I was extremely hormonal and moody and every now and then something small would set me off … and I misunderstood a few things Johnny said and did so that was my bad… Plus when your upset everything sort of amplifies and that is basically what happened…

I appreciate everyone’s concern but I also only post about 15% of my life and what goes on in it, on here so a lot of what was said or assumed by my commentors was not the case… Like there is no commitment, there is I have a ring we have a wedding date and other things going on. I also know that I am only 21… but how many 21 year olds do you know that have lost a baby, own their own business and seen and experienced more shit in the last year than a sewer. I am known by people who personally for my sound judgment and I truly feel that I can handle this situation.

I want a baby but I don’t want one for attention or because I just want one. I want a child with Johnny because I love him and even when we get in a spat (what couple doesn’t have little issues here and there) with in a matter of an hour we generally are able to get through and move on … we never get into fights where either one of us yells, talks over one another or acts violently we always sit down and take turns talking it out until we fee we have an accord and then we are fine… Last night I was just hormonal, scared (that if I am not pregnant something major is wrong) and acted like a bitch on a hormone overdose … it was stupid and I know that but it happens the fact that we are able to calmly discuss the issue at hand is a good thing and you cant have good make up sex if you never fight… In a way I think fighting every now and then makes your relationship stronger because you grow together overtime you get through a problem

Mar 8
Crushed
icon1 Janice | icon2 Johnny, Rants, Stress | icon4 03 8th, 2006| icon37 Comments »
I am absolutely crushed right now… Lately I have been really easy to set off and really hormonal which might be due to possibly being pregnant … or I may have killer PMS since my period is late… Johnny knows it could be either one but nonetheless he ignores that… I get upset and instead of just sort of ignoring the ridiculousness of whatever it is and comforting me he ignores me and gets all pissy with me … the way he was tonight was very different from any other time… I honestly feel he may break up with me… I realize (after the fact) that what I was upset about was stupid but at the time it upset me… I have been very emotional and moody I really don’t know what the hell is wrong with me… I feel like I am losing my damn mind. Then to top it off I was honestly afraid to touch, or kiss him so I didn’t but I wanted to, but like I said I had never seen him this way before… I tried to get his attention, I went to the door as he put on his boots, I said something to the effect of “I always have to make the first move” (which generally I feel I do) and he got all mad and said something… I started to cry (more like ball) and shut the door then 10 seconds later I opened it again (because I wanted to see him once more before he would leave, and I hoped maybe he would hug me or kiss me…) but when I opened the door I saw he had already left (running) to the barn… I was completely shatter. I wish I could go home. I hate feeling this way but if I am pregnant I cant let this stuff stress me out, I know that I don’t think I could handle losing another baby.
I really need attention from him, somtimes  I think he thinks i am lazy because I am hesitant to do things for him right when he walks in the door… it makes me feel used. I wait all day to spend maybe 30 minutes with him in the morning and at night… thats why I stay over here. If I didnt I would almost never see him. I need so badly to be with some one who can be there for me emotionally, physically etc… and he cant. I dont want to break up, but I also dont know what to do… I have told him that if i am pregnant things like that happen and still he acts the same way… so does that mean he doesnt care???

Plus I have a splitting head ache…

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