OK the deal with last night I wrote that when I was still upset Johnny and I talked and whatever and are perfectly fine now… I was like this when I was pregnant I was extremely hormonal and moody and every now and then something small would set me off … and I misunderstood a few things Johnny said and did so that was my bad… Plus when your upset everything sort of amplifies and that is basically what happened…

I appreciate everyone’s concern but I also only post about 15% of my life and what goes on in it, on here so a lot of what was said or assumed by my commentors was not the case… Like there is no commitment, there is I have a ring we have a wedding date and other things going on. I also know that I am only 21… but how many 21 year olds do you know that have lost a baby, own their own business and seen and experienced more shit in the last year than a sewer. I am known by people who personally for my sound judgment and I truly feel that I can handle this situation.

I want a baby but I don’t want one for attention or because I just want one. I want a child with Johnny because I love him and even when we get in a spat (what couple doesn’t have little issues here and there) with in a matter of an hour we generally are able to get through and move on … we never get into fights where either one of us yells, talks over one another or acts violently we always sit down and take turns talking it out until we fee we have an accord and then we are fine… Last night I was just hormonal, scared (that if I am not pregnant something major is wrong) and acted like a bitch on a hormone overdose … it was stupid and I know that but it happens the fact that we are able to calmly discuss the issue at hand is a good thing and you cant have good make up sex if you never fight… In a way I think fighting every now and then makes your relationship stronger because you grow together overtime you get through a problem

I am absolutely crushed right now… Lately I have been really easy to set off and really hormonal which might be due to possibly being pregnant … or I may have killer PMS since my period is late… Johnny knows it could be either one but nonetheless he ignores that… I get upset and instead of just sort of ignoring the ridiculousness of whatever it is and comforting me he ignores me and gets all pissy with me … the way he was tonight was very different from any other time… I honestly feel he may break up with me… I realize (after the fact) that what I was upset about was stupid but at the time it upset me… I have been very emotional and moody I really don’t know what the hell is wrong with me… I feel like I am losing my damn mind. Then to top it off I was honestly afraid to touch, or kiss him so I didn’t but I wanted to, but like I said I had never seen him this way before… I tried to get his attention, I went to the door as he put on his boots, I said something to the effect of “I always have to make the first move” (which generally I feel I do) and he got all mad and said something… I started to cry (more like ball) and shut the door then 10 seconds later I opened it again (because I wanted to see him once more before he would leave, and I hoped maybe he would hug me or kiss me…) but when I opened the door I saw he had already left (running) to the barn… I was completely shatter. I wish I could go home. I hate feeling this way but if I am pregnant I cant let this stuff stress me out, I know that I don’t think I could handle losing another baby.
I really need attention from him, somtimes  I think he thinks i am lazy because I am hesitant to do things for him right when he walks in the door… it makes me feel used. I wait all day to spend maybe 30 minutes with him in the morning and at night… thats why I stay over here. If I didnt I would almost never see him. I need so badly to be with some one who can be there for me emotionally, physically etc… and he cant. I dont want to break up, but I also dont know what to do… I have told him that if i am pregnant things like that happen and still he acts the same way… so does that mean he doesnt care???

Plus I have a splitting head ache…