Dooces|Designing my own image…

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Tonight I was just running thoughts through my mind and kept coming back to mothers, motherhood, and what it means. I kept coming back to our situation with the adoption process. What it all means for our child and all the children stuck in the middle of it. We go back to court in a week to hear the judges ruling on if services will be terminated. After hearing the biological family’s testimony’s it was very clear that neither of them gets the whole point, that they couldn’t not properly care for their own child and that it would not be best for her at all. But in the back of my mind i keep thinking what if the judge feels differently, and i get this panicky feeling like my stomach is tied in knots. It breaks my heart because I love her and to me she is my child, for the last 4.5 months I have done everything for her, with her etc and i cant imagine that changing, but the biggest thing I worry about is her. I think being a mother is that worried sick to your stomach over stuff feeling. I want her life to be a long, healthy and happy one I don’t want to see her go through even more drama. I am the one who has picked up the pieces after her biological family visits, and comforts her and assures her she is staying with us (she actually tells me “mommy i not go see them i stay with you”). I can see in her all of the time an effort and love i have given coming back to me, when she stops playing and for no reason just wants a hug or kiss or to be picked up, and i know she doesn’t understand why I take her to the visits when she begs me not to any more. I honestly want her to have what is best and even though i know what that is does everyone who actually has a say feel the same way?

finally Wednesday we had court, it was not finished but should be finished with this part tomorrow… I so need a win in my corner right now. We still have another court date to go through before we can even file for adoption and that wont be for another 4 months so our officially adoption will be longer than that…

I thank God that the judge has all the reports of how things have gone in visits etc… because it was difficult hearing the birth family spew lies about everything, proving that they don’t put their own child first its about them not her… and the original behaviors have not changed either. one thing that really got to me was that the birth mother never once said her own child’s name but referred to her by a nick name which she hates BTW, she even said she helps her learn to spell her name but said her nick name what is that? I just don’t get it but its not up to me.

I don’t believe that God would make me loose 2 children so i pray that everything goes as planned and this part is settled tomorrow.

When I dreamed of motherhood i never had a set image of what things would be like only small glimpses into how it may be while seeing mothers with their children at the stores, in church and other various places. I don’t know the exact reason i wanted to be a mother only that i wanted to more than anything else. one thing i always imagined was all of the things I would do with my kids, but now i see that its not about what I am doing. Its about the child its about dealing with the moments where you peek in on your sleeping child and being so proud and feel so blessed to have them in your life it brings you to tears when just hours ago your child was doing something that made you want to rip your hair out. in retrospect its never that bad at all you just smile and maybe even feel a little sad because even though that was a tough moment your child is now seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months older and that second will never come back.

appreciating motherhood is one that i think in some ways you learn to do it, at first things were hectic even though DD was 2 and a half when she moved here, it was like a mom with a new born because i didn’t know what was ok or what i was comfortable with or even all of the things she could do. Even now when she does something i have never seen her do even something simple i get so excited to actually be there to witness her learn and experience doing something for the first time. I have gotten more comfortable and confident in listening to how i feel about certain things and also learned to brush off other peoples opinions about what i should do, people will always have an opinion on how people should be raising their kids.

i sit here at 21 past midnight with tears streaming down my face thinking about all of the adoption drama we have dealt with and what makes me cry is how unfair it all is for the kids who suffer through it. so many things get so screwed up, its not the hour and a half car ride that does it, its taking the trip and no one shows up… she doesn’t care the people who didn’t come aren’t breaking any ones heart in fact she doesn’t even notice but what she does notice is being stuck in a car for that long and having no where to go… i always of course take her some where to do something or to just do every day shopping some where or something so i can help her feel like that trip had a reason behind it. or seeing how devastated she is when the visits are over and how it triggers in security and she clings to me repeatedly asking for reassurance that i am her mommy and shes staying with me. or dropping her of and having her start to walk away and then run back to hug me, or telling me mommy please come back. the innocence in those actions are so pure and true. I wish there were something i could do to make this all stop for her but right this second there isn’t anything i can do.

but I’m hoping that will change soon. if any one actually reads my blog any more, please keep all of the children going through this in your thoughts and prayers!

this whole adoption situation is a mess… and its so unfair to the kids stuck in the middle! our situation is complicated… DD has 2 scheduled visits each week 1 for each biological parent… each visit is 2 hours each and the fraternal visitor only shows up once maybe twice a month… i have been told the basics of what happens in the visits like they both try to force DD to call them mommy or daddy… i don’t think she really does it but them constantly hounding her trying to force her only sends her to me with hours of wanting to be held and looking and me, hugging me or pointing to me chanting mommy mommy my mommy to reassure her self we are her parents not them… and the truth is we may not have created her or given her life… but we have given her a life, and love and by definition we are her parents!

if the biological parents came to every visit in one year that would be a total of 96 hours (both have missed some visits or been an hour late etc so the number for them is actually less)… since DD moved here just a week shy of 3 months ago counting only day time hours and subtracting the hours they had scheduled visits even if they missed i have spent 1224 hours with her, she is with me all day every where and has not gone any where that i didn’t go… i make her breakfast every morning, i take her potty through out the day, i bathe her, dress her, wipe her nose, kiss boo boos, read story’s, play games, hold her hand so she doesn’t get run over, i do her hair, and take her to her gymnastics class and also participate (its a mommy and me class) and do everything else in between most of the time… thats what a parent does thats what mommies and daddies do… visiting a kid once a week for 2 hours doesn’t amount to anything parental really… so for them to even try to traumatize her is so wrong and shouldn’t be allowed… its one thing to visit her but to try to run their own agenda on her is pathetic why would they purposely want to hurt her and make things harder for her… love doesn’t do that selfishness does.

title sounds weird i know but… i was looking at a friends myspace page and saw her a picture of her toddlers bare bottom… as a mom i think my little ones chubby bum is cute but i wouldn’t go post a pic online… the second i saw it i about had a heart attack… who knows what perv could come across it and save it on their computer… the thought just sickens me to think of some one using a sweet innocent kids picture for their sick and twisted fantasy’s… and the truth is people do, I mean look at the local pedophile site you will be amazed how many live near you… and I’m not going to try it but I’m sure if you searched for that kind of icky web site showing pictures of little kids for adult entertainment… the amount would surely make you puke on your key board! Its so disgusting to even think of some getting a hold of a picture like that… yuck!