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Janice Brasil

I am sorry for my previous post, i just get so upset sometimes… the only important thing to me is just becoming a mom I don’t care if its through adoption or whatever its all the same to me I just want there to be a child in my home so that I can stop hurting, i will always love Hannah but there is nothing in the world I can do to bring her back, maybe that’s why it hurts so much… just knowing some one you loved so much and wanted to badly is gone and there is nothing I can do to undo that. It will be 5 years since she died in January… 5 years i cant believe she would have been almost school age, and I still don’t have even one child it just kills me. I may never get pregnant but I can have a child, and If its through adoption I am perfectly happy with that, I just hate that it could take 6 weeks to get our home study written up… its been 2 weeks since our social worker came to our house, and I feel like maybe he doesn’t since the urgency that we have on finding the child we will be bringing into our family. to him its just another day I’m sure but for me its like being stuck in an elevator… were just waiting until some one open’s the door… I feel like I have waited forever and its so hard because being pregnant is one thing you have a physical connection to the baby, you know its there and you can feel it, but with this there is so much disconnection because we have not found or met our child, and sometimes at night i cry because i know that its possible our child could be being hurt or starved right now and I cant do anything about it I just have to wait until the time comes for us to become that baby’s parents. I pray for so long every night that where ever the child is that they are safe and being taken care of and not being hurt. I want so much to be able to see her face and hold her and know that she is our child and will be with us from now on. I want to be past waiting that’s all I have done these last few years and I don’t want to wait any more I want that to be over.

No one around me really gets it and people always say things even my own family that just make me feel worse, i feel even disconnected from them too I feel like they don’t care like I’m just a person they don’t even know, no one calls and when i call them no one calls me back and honestly i could really use a little support because this is not easy for me… but they are not like that, I feel sort of alienated and awkward around them all any more, i just cant stand the just get over it attitude and how ironic i cant get over how that’s what they think i should do… i know that was a bit redundant. I have been self destructive and suffered depression, a shopping addiction, and 2 eating disorders boths starving my self and over eating, and if i say anything i always get an unsupportive response like oh that’s bull your lying and that’s why any more none of them even know me or my life… they think that do but they really don’t know me at all… I know some of them are still probably upset at things I have said because I was honestly just in need of some sort of contact some sort of help and I said really mean stuff which I regret I just don’t know how to keep everything bottled up… i probably need a good therapist for all of this, but the truth is people don’t want to pay attention and see that I might actually be suffering in a hell of self loathing and unhealthy behaviors, or maybe i just need some one to listen but i know that wont happen so I dont really trust any of them with who I really and and what I really want… I am christian and I feel that way about a lot of church people just the things they say its rediculous some one always has a problem with something and its petty really petty every Sunday I try to fake like I am asleep so I don’t have to go but johnny gets me up and so i go… its not because of God but the people it discourages me to go more than it helps because i just want to be a decent human being but I cant get past the door without hearing some one saying something stupid, or shoving their opinion down someones throat… I cant stand that. Isn’t the point pretty basic i mean the belief of the important stuff is the same so why be a jerk and pick at trivial topics and waste so much time on that… the fact that the preacher has to even address the issues makes me crazy I just don’t get it i don’t always agree with everything he says but i agree with what he is trying to do and i don’t ever have to go along with 100% of what he says to still get the point and so many people just miss it… I don’t waste my time arguing my point of view or whatever about the topics i don’t agree on but I will never say something about it because so many people need a good message and who am i to go and ruin it for them! i always do this just go on and on I just get so riled up about this stuff… I need to just hush so I’m done… sorry

I feel like screaming just to make noise some times. I hate the daily silence in my home, screaming at me as if i don’t know just how quiet it is… i could actually hear myself think and that’s what scares me, the hole in my heart wont stop bleeding. I cant seem to fix anything I don’t get why everything can be fine one day and so horribly wrong the next. I used to be mad at the world now I’m am just sinking into a hole of darkness that keeps sucking away my soul… i used to be kind but then every one in the world got pregnant and i watched the populate the part of the world i was in contact with, so i banished them and while i do miss those friendships i still couldn’t handle it if i tried… almost 5 years and i am still just as empty just as broken and every where i go its always in my face. I feel so hollow like a shell of the person who i used to be, and no one gets it people think they know but they don’t. people say they “feel” my pain… i want to rip their mouth off for saying it… they feel my pain sometimes i wish they did just so they would shut up… I just lock my self away and lie about it being OK because when it gets real that’s when every one leaves, the second a my eyes well up or i even start a sentence down that lonely road before i can even blink they are gone… i thought by now i would be fixed i would have a family and not have to go through this every day. i know its why no one reads my blog any more and thats fine i wouldn’t want to either honestly. i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way, i just wish this would all go way,