Picture Perfect Problems

I have spent a lot of time over the last 6 weeks thinking about so many things. Its so hard to be away from home away from everyone. Its so easy to get caught up thinking about the negative , Id like to be able to have a baby like the majority and not need so much help and now to have to be away from home… but I also am grateful that there at least things that can be done so its possible even if its hard.

There are so many things in life people imagine in their head, and to be honest I think that is one of the biggest causes of people feeling unhappy with their life… they picture this fairy tale ideal fantasy experience and when it doesn’t go that way or life doesn’t look like how we imagined, rather than be glad for what we have and being happy anyway, and happy for the things we do have. That picture feels unattainable so most people feel like there is no point things will always be like this or not come out the way we want. So this imaginary idea in our head keeps us unmotivated and unsatisfied with our life… Now obviously you cant just think your life is perfect the way it is and everything will be fine, but if you change your idea of what is perfect and start seeing the more positive side of things and stop expecting the fantasy and open up the possibilities of reality.

The truth is I always wanted to be a mom and I never imagined I would lose two 2nd trimester babies and have a miscarriage… It made me feel like it would honestly never happen and the idea of how things go for most people of getting pregnant no problem and having a baby honestly became basically a fantasy and definitely not an attainable reality for me. With Oliver I really thought things were fine, doctors were checking things each week and then they completely failed me so for this pregnancy there was no “enjoying it or being excited” to be honest i was actually afraid to be excited or count on anything definite, I did all the things I needed to do or could do for things to have any kind of hope but I kept myself from getting to invested because so far the only outcome I ever experienced was pain and loss and this empty feeling inside that felt like it could eat me alive, like I had fallen in to a bottomless black pit and couldn’t even begin to find a way out. I was so terrified of that feeling of going home again empty handed and empty inside. This isn’t how I had dreamed of but if it works then its ok its not the way I had imagined… my story isn’t everyone’s and that is fine.

Child Loss, Depression

On the inside

Its been 17 days now… some days I mostly feel fine I don’t cry everyday and most days no one would ever know anything was wrong. Then there are days like today I feel like i am just a shell of a person, i feel empty almost dead inside, i feel worthless and exhausted and i cannot tell if no one knows or no one cares. People can look right at me and I feel as if they see right through me, like I am invisible, and i guess in some ways I am. They see me or at least what I look like but they don’t see this black hole inside where sometimes it sucks everything positive out and fills me with sadness, pain and the most self deprecating shit you can imagine. I could smile and they would believe it. I am not there sometimes, not really… i mean obviously I am physically present but my mind is somewhere else. Sometimes I feel like I am being punished for something or maybe I should be punished because some how maybe I cause this, and I hate myself to the point I feel almost angry I don’t have the urge to kill myself. I am not suicidal but I lost my baby and some how I am still alive that seems so backwards. I don’t understand how I can still be here going through this twice. I feel like there is no peace and I feel so lost I don’t know what to do or how to even interact with people when I feel like this. I don’t feel like myself I don’t feel normal so I don’t know how to act like myself or normal either.

When I got home from the hospital, I was sore and tired but my mind couldn’t stop from replaying what had happened and thoughts of if i did something different maybe my baby would still be here. So i pushed myself and kept my self as occupied as I could, trips to the store, doing things around the house I had felt to sick to deal with while I was pregnant. Really anything to try to keep my mind occupied. ended up usually crying when i needed to use the bathroom or in the shower because it was the only time i would really have the time for my mind to fill with emotions and feelings about everything. This last week has been the opposite I feel like I don’t want to do anything, I don’t want to run a business or clean or deal with most people or things, I don’t want to just be alone either but I don’t know what the fuck I should do or how to ask for anything. I hate being alone honestly but I also hate feeling needy too… I don’t necessarily want to do nothing I just don’t know what to actually do and I have no motivation whatsoever. I hate my body I feel jiggly and fat, I have lost about 10lbs and need to lose at least another 10 but I cant get myself to exercise I want to but I just cant seem to ever actually do it. I have makeup for my brand I need to make but I cant seem to actually get it done… I feel so fucking useless but also cant make myself do anything productive… I have issues with food now and mostly deprive myself as much as I can stand to the point I get dizzy or even a little sick but i feel fat and disgusting if I eat less maybe I will look a little better or maybe lose a few more pounds…

I used to talk a lot more but now I don’t even know what to say or how to have a normal conversation, but no one seems to notice… There are certain things I do want to talk about                 but I feel like I will be rejected or no one will want to talk to me about them so I just don’t even try and sometimes I feel like its killing me inside. Sometimes people ask “are you ok?” I have been conditioned to only say yes I feel like no one really asks this because they care or really want to know its more just to be polite so its rude to say anything other than yes i’m fine… how the fuck do you tell someone no i’m not fine i feel like i am dying inside and i don’t know how to feel better or like things will ever be OK…

Child Loss, Depression, Pregnancy, relationships, TTC


I have just not been in to blogging like I used to be… I used to blog everything and now that I am older have kids and so on I just don’t feel most things are significant enough to make the effort… but even after long gaps there are some things i feel need to be said…

After my miscarriage last November (2nd)  I was sad for a few days but I got over it, it was only 6 weeks and my tests just never got dark my lines stayed faint and my hormone levels were low the day before I started bleeding… even though it was sad and disappointing it was somewhat comforting to know that I could get pregnant after almost 14 years believing I probably couldn’t.

I tried 2 more rounds of Femara December and January but for whatever reason I wasn’t ovulating when I should plus even though I had only been slightly pregnant I probably should have waited to have a natural period at least once but I was feeling more determined and a bit frustrated so I didn’t want to wait. I took the progesterone to induce a period and tried Femara again, I waited to get a period naturally just in case the December cycle was 39 days long  but it did finally come January 20th. I took femara again this cycle and I again didn’t ovulate quite when i should have but this cycle was 34 days which is just barley in normal range… I decided since the last 2 cycles things were not happening when they should have that I would take a break from the Femara and maybe try to lose a few pounds to maybe boost my chances. On day 22 (March 16th) I got a positive ovulation test and we had done the deed the 2 days before and the day after… I didn’t think I would get pregnant but i figured it didn’t hurt to try and went on with life… On March 26th (10 DPO) in the evening for whatever reason I decided to take a pregnancy test, which normally I would have waited until in the morning and I wasn’t having any symptoms but something struck me and I took one… The first one was a dollar store test and it had a kind of shadow line as soon as the liquid went across but it wasn’t pink… I thought maybe the test was defective and did a 2nd one… same thing happened so i thought maybe I actually am pregnant but kind of felt like maybe the tests were just messed up, but i decided to get out a digital one and very quickly it said PREGNANT! I was honestly shocked I mean we didn’t use anything this happened 100% naturally which was a huge shock to me and made me feel like maybe this one was meant to be. I had already done the cute onsie thing and I feel like the 1st loss kind of put a damper on anything exciting so I just showed him the test… With my previous pregnancy that ended at 6 weeks my tests never got dark so this time I was afraid the same thing would happen but in the 2nd pic you can see it did… The slim strips from top to bottom were taken the 1st day on for about a week. I was so excited to see the lines getting darker each day.


I called my Dr right away and had my blood drawn to check my HCG levels on Monday April 2nd they were 1599 and on Wednesday April 4th they were 3502 on April 9th they were 24356! I was so excited this time they were going up. They scheduled a dating ultrasound for April 12th which I was not even quite 6 weeks and in the ultrasound all you could see was a sac and yolk which made me worry maybe something was wrong. I was having issues with this Dr office so I switched to a different place and they scheduled another ultrasound for April 20th (just over a week later) and they were able to see a little bean shape with a heart beat which was so exciting as i was worried from the ultrasound from the week before. It was a relief to see something taking shape and the fact there was a little heart beat! During week 6 I started to feel really nauseous and dizzy and it progressed to a pretty much all day super queasy feeling and dizziness anytime i got up to do something… after a few weeks I started gagging no puke just dry heaving with lots of spit it was not fun, picking up Laila from school was hard her school is like a 3 minute drive and sometimes i had to pull over twice before getting there or making it back home… I spent a lot of time just laying down because i felt so sick. I did finally throw up during week 11 and twice week 12 and a few more times between week 13 – 17… my all day sickness was slowly starting to ease and i was feeling a little better. on May 29th at 12 weeks and 3 days I had an ultrasound I was so nervous they wouldn’t see anything or something would be wrong. I was so happy to see the baby was perfectly fine and little arms and legs moving and the little profile of the face. Plus seeing the strong heart beat she didn’t let me hear it but did show the sound waves. I was lucky enough to get a little video clip of some of the cute little movements. I was so excited to make it to week 14 the beginning of the 2nd trimester I felt really good about my pregnancy and about the baby. I started feeling little movements at 15 weeks. At 16 weeks exactly my boyfriend and I went to a 3d Ultrasound place to see if we could find out the gender and also so he could get a chance to see the baby him self since he hadn’t been able to go to my appointments. The ultrasound was awesome and they were able to see that we were having a boy and gave us these cute its a boy bracelets. I kept feeling like the baby was a girl from the beginning but honestly I felt relieved it was a boy like maybe now things will be different, different gender, I am different so maybe I wont have this baby early this one would stay. It probably sounds weird but that’s how I felt. I was so excited to start looking at cute boy stuff.


On June 26th I began weekly ultrasounds to measure my cervix to see if it was shrinking and if i needed a cerclage. Normal is (around 4cm) my 1st appointment it measured 2.7cm the dr I saw mentioned that they recommend a cerclage at around 2cm and seemed like he was a more aggressive Dr treatment wise. I also started getting weekly Makena progesterone shots on June 27th. On July 3rd My weekly ultrasound showed my cervix was measuring at 2.2cm (i lost half a cm in a week) I was really concerned but the Dr didn’t seem concerned at all… I asked if i should get the cerclage because its close to 2cm and he said no they will check it again in TWO WEEKS! I said no i have weekly appointents and hes like oh OK… I wish here i had called my OB Dr and told him but at the time I was under the impression i was being monitored by the perinatologist because they were the ones that would do the cerclage… So a week later I came back at 18 weeks and 3 Days and they said my cervix was 0.2cm… there was essentially nothing left to even do the stitches I was so upset… that’s when I was told My OB was the one who would have done a cerclage not him and was sent home… the Dr said he would let my OB know and hopefully they could see me in the next few days! I called my Dr from the car and My OB Dr made an appointment first thing the next morning to see me. In the mean time I was scared and knew if i said I was having contractions they would see me at the hospital so I went hoping something could be done. So I went and the made it clear they normally don’t see anyone under 20 weeks… But they finally let me in, they gave me another ultrasound and watched for contractions which i wasn’t having… Earlier during my ultrasound at the Dr’s office the baby was head down but while they were monitoring me in triage he decided to flip and i was first time i felt a big movement like that. The Dr at the hospital gave me vaginal progesterone and did an ultrasound and said my Cervix was 0.7cm… Not sure which measurement was right but the one at the Dr’s office seemed uncertain and even had someone else come in to help her… but even 0.7 wasn’t really enough… The hospital didn’t want to do any kind of vaginal exam because they didn’t want to cause my cervix to open more… They sent me home, it was hard to sleep but I tried to hold on to hope that this baby would be OK and somehow something could be done.

The Dr saw me and wanted to do an exam at first I protested because I was afraid it would cause more issues… but she told me she needed to look and see if maybe a cerclage was still possible and that she couldn’t help me if she didn’t know what was going on… so I agreed and immediately it was bad news, she said my cervix was completely open and that I had hour-glassing membranes… she said i needed to go to the hospital right away It would only be a matter of hours before something happened. I was so devastated I couldn’t believe this was happening… again. I felt so heartbroken I messaged my boyfriend to see if somehow he could call me, he did. I told him the situation and that i was going to the hospital he mostly just listened but he told me he loved me and that made me feel slightly better.

I went to the hospital still hoping somehow some way this could be stopped. They had to contact my Dr even though my Dr had said she would notify them i was coming because I was under 20 weeks… Finally they took me in to triage (where i had just been the night before) and went over what my Dr had said they said they would admit me and keep me in “trendelenburg” position (feet up head down) to relieve pressure from my cervix so maybe my cervix would close up some, they also had me do 2 daily 100MG progesterone suppositories to hopefully help also… I was admitted on July 11th. It was hard to eat or do anything stuck in a bed at an angle and it was uncomfortable but I was glad that there was something that could be done. They had to poke me 3 times to get an IV going and then it infiltrated a few hours later so it took another 2 or 3 tries to get one to stay… My boyfriend came the first night to the hospital and I was kind of freaking out the baby may be born and he doesn’t have a name, he had to have a name. We had only found out he was a boy a couple weeks earlier. We had only mentioned names briefly since we found out but one we both had liked was Oliver so we decided that wold be his name. They were checking my vitals every 4 hours and the baby’s heart beat and they always found him easily and his little heart beat was always strong. The entire time I was feeling him move throughout the day off and on he was getting stronger and i could even feel him from outside my tummy starting this week. On Friday July 13th my amniotic fluid started leaking, that evening they had an ultrasound done to check the fluid level, which they said was 13 and was good. I was still very worried. Several nurses told me that they had patients in this same situation make it far enough and have a healthy baby which was comforting but I tried to stay in a neutral place because there was no way to know what would happen. On Sunday July 15th they checked my fluid levels and they were at 4 which was really low. They said this makes it harder for the baby to grow especially the limbs but a few have gone on to have their baby and been OK so I still tried to hold on to hope and they said sometimes the leak can seal up… I could feel his movements more with the lower fluid. I also got a bladder infection over the weekend and would feel like i needed to pee but then nothing would happen… I never had that happen before it was very weird it didn’t hurt i just had to focus for a good 8 to 10 minutes to be able to go… they gave me IV antibiotics and within 24 hours i was able to go easier. On July 17th the Dr said that I can still try to keep my pregnancy but I still had a month or more before he would even have any kind of chance to survive and since my leaking hadn’t stopped I was at risk for infection and he may come early anyway but it was up to me… I hated this I wanted them to advise me but it was all up to me and it felt like they were asking me to agree to end his life which I couldn’t do… They also told me I needed to decide to get my Makena shot that day or not which stopped contractions. They also told me they can give me something to induce labor as they felt this was going to end soon and didn’t feel I would be able to make it far enough him to have any chance of survival…I thought about it all day and talked to my boyfriend… I cried a lot that day though i cried most days at some point while I was there… He felt I shouldn’t get the Makena shot and on some level I felt the same was just hard to accept things were going to end. I wanted this baby I was willing to do whatever I could to try to keep him and it was so heartbreaking that it wasn’t enough. I finally decided late that night I would take the induction medication if it was really ending I didn’t want to feel like a prisoner in this situation even though I cried and hurt a lot about it I felt a sense of relief that I had made a decision. I had planned the next day (July 18th) I would take it when they asked me about it… but the next day came and I felt like I needed to go over things again with the Dr like was he really sure there was no chance, will it hurt the baby? What will it be like for me and a million other questions. I had planned to take it around 10:00 AM with my other meds but I didn’t end up not deciding to until about 3:45 PM. I was so worried about being alone, my mom was there and had been for some time but it wasn’t the same I needed Melvin, my boyfriend be there. I was so afraid he wasn’t going to come I messaged him and he said he would… I don’t know why i felt that way I just felt afraid of everything at that moment and he is my best friend we do almost everything together and I just felt like I needed him there and to be honest I don’t think i would have made it if he hadn’t been there. I was afraid he would leave me, or blame me or even hate me for this, he never said anything like that but I thought losing our baby was my worst fear but then thinking If I lost the baby and him too I dont know how I would even handle that… Its messed up how our minds do these horrible things to us. They told me it takes any where from 2 to 4 hours to work and because i was only 19 weeks and 4 days it may take a long time and several doses… Within 20 minutes of taking it I started having contractions, they said it must have just been the time it would have happened because the medication didn’t work anywhere near that fast. I was shaking I couldn’t stop, I was in pain but I think I was more hurt by knowing I had to go in to labor and have this baby that I wanted so badly, and he wouldn’t be alive. They gave me some pain meds but said i couldn’t get an epidural because things started so fast, it made me feel like i was floating it was a weird feeling and i didn’t like it. Melvin got there around 4:30 pm right as things were starting and I would need to push… I felt relieved to see him and have him there with me. He held my hand I still couldn’t stop shaking they said they could see the baby right inside and I needed to push but I felt like i couldn’t or i didn’t know how. They said the baby was breach but he was so small it didn’t really matter… I kept holding my breath and it made me understand why they do those breathing exercises. It took 4 pushes to get him out and the last one was his little head which hurt the most but it was quick Oliver was born at 5:31pm July 18th 2018. They asked me if i wanted to hold him which I did I couldn’t not see him I had looked at him on all these ultrasounds and it looked like he had my nose and Melvin’s mouth I would never get another chance to see or hold him so i had to. He looked so small but he was perfectly formed he did have my nose and Melvin’s lips his lips looked identical they were shaped just like his. He didn’t have any hair yet and his eyes were still closed but he was perfect in every way. He even had the tinniest finger and toe nails, I don’t know why but that was like a huge thing to me. It makes me so sad he is gone, he look just as i imagined and it hurts to know that at least as long as I live I will never get to see or hold him again. I wish so badly things could have been different and I hope some how he knows that he was wanted and will always be very loved.

After I had him they said it may take some time for the placenta to detach the Dr. told me if it hadn’t come out by 9:30 PM I would need a D&C. I have never had one and didn’t know much if anything about it but it scared me so I asked if there was anything I could do to try to maybe make it come out, like maybe I could actually get up to use the bathroom since I hadn’t been up to walk in days… I thought maybe gravity would help they said that was OK. Also the Dr mentioned that back in the day some women would squat to try to get it to come out. I thought that may be a good idea… it wasn’t and I didn’t think about it at the time but most women who tried this were probably full term and their placenta was ready to come out. I suggested maybe I try it in the shower since there were 2 bars to hold on to plus the cord was hanging out and there was some blood dripping a little so it would contain the mess. Having been in bed unable to walk for about a week my body was not ready for this, well my legs weren’t that’s for sure, but still i tried to hold the position as long as I could then stand and take a break and then try again and again for some time. I had been having contractions before I got up but once I was up they seemed to stop… I felt like a prisoner in my own body, my baby was gone and now this last part I just wanted to be over and to be with Melvin. I ended up wearing myself out and having sore legs for almost a week, but at the time I was desperate to avoid a D&C… but 9:30 PM came and nothing had come out… they didn’t take me until 11 something though. I was very nervous about this procedure I again couldn’t stop shaking I was afraid to go without Melvin but he couldn’t go with me. they put me under anesthesia so I have no memory of the D&C, when I woke up my throat was so sore from being intubated and i forgot they do that when they put you out. I was the only patient in the recovery room and there was one nurse that was in the room, i’m not sure if it was the medication or that i didn’t want to think to much but i couldn’t stop talking and the nurse was nice and talked to me, which I was thankful for because it made the recovery room time go by faster and I don’t know if i would have been as OK and calm if I had felt all alone.  Melvin had went to my new room to wait for me when i left for the procedure but he needed to pick up his mom from the bus station around midnight also. I had wanted him to come back but it had been a long day so when I went to my room and he wasn’t there i kind of panicked for a few minutes, but my new nurse got me my phone and I had a message from him and i felt better. I was OK with him not coming back after messaging a little I know he was tired and I was tired so it was OK. The next morning was very hard though…

After having Oliver it hurt seeing and knowing the person I love most, my very best friend was hurt by this too. During actual labor and after I was in physical and emotional pain but seeing Melvin was hurt and sad part of me felt like it was my fault I caused this. Its my fault he had to go through this with me. I was terrified the next day that he wouldn’t come to pick me up, that he would leave me, that he would blame me or maybe even hate me. Maybe part of that was the fact I hated myself in a way and felt like I should have done more. But deep down I know I did everything I knew to do at the time and I tried whatever they told me in hope of getting the baby far enough so he could have a chance to survive. He did pick me up… Even though he had text me or responded to my text I was still surprised to see him for whatever reason. I woke up early, not pregnant, and with no baby, in a room alone and just felt so many things all at once I didn’t know how to process it all, and the whole time I had been there I had thought the worst thing that could happen was losing my baby, but since that was already done losing the person that means the most to me was the next horrible thing that could happen and feeling like things were my fault I felt like I was being punished like maybe I had done something wrong and I didn’t deserve to be loved by anyone…

We had a small funeral for Oliver, the casket was so tiny the size of maybe a size 6 women’s shoe box. Its so sad knowing this little person I loved and wanted was in that little box. I miss feeling him and hearing his little strong heart beat. It makes me so sad all the things I imagined and the excitement about getting to have him and have a happy ending are all gone now. I wish so much this never would have happened but I know nothing will change that.

I feel so lost at the moment, I feel like now that the thing I was looking forward to isn’t coming I don’t know what to do, what to look forward to, i just feel sad, hurt and broken inside. It was hard to accept what was happening but I guess I have… I still get sad and cry or get angry because the Dr that should have and could have helped me didn’t but I know I cant change it or undo this. The hardest part honestly was coming home without him, the one thing I prayed would not happen but it still did. It was really hard just feeling like I was going home empty when just 24 hours before I was still pregnant… Its been hard not being able to feel him anymore I loved that and it makes me sad that Melvin never got to feel him move. I loved feeling him become stronger and more active and its so heart breaking he is just gone and all those little movements and feelings are gone. My little pregnant tummy was like instantly gone… Now i just feel fat and jiggly even having lost 10 lbs. I hadn’t even taken any belly pics yet, I tried to take one in the hospital but I was laying down so its super small and no one would probably know but me… All my pregnancy symptoms were instantly gone too no more nausea no more dizziness no more super hungry feeling no gagging nothing. My boobs got ridiculously engorged about 4 days after coming home they were so painful and heavy… I thought about donating my breast milk and got an inexpensive pump to help but I could never get more than an ounce and a half from my right side and no more than a half ounce from the left… I couldn’t get a real let down, but the pumping did help the engorgement to go away but even now 13 days later I have regular leaking…

Out of all the things I now have to let go and accept they will never happen the one thing I was looking forward to was looking forward to the most was imagining the day Oliver was supposed to be born, getting to see him for the first time and getting to see my love Melvin become a dad and getting to hold him for the first time and together getting to see his face, how much hair he would have, what his skin tone would be, what color his eyes would be, seeing his little fingers and toes, how much he would weigh, how long he would be and what his first cry would sound like. I was looking forward to that day so much and had thought about it so many times and knowing we will never have that day now is so hard to accept I wanted that so much and now its gone. I miss him so much and I hope some how he can feel that.

Child Loss, Pregnancy, TTC

And just like that its gone

its been so long since my last post although nothing has changed in regards to that post and because of the subject matter i actually had to re-read my post before constructing this one. I finally decided to talk to my Dr about trying femara, I was afraid there would be a fight as some Dr’s don’t like to prescribe femara but he was surprisingly on board and said that would probably help me a lot. he also gave me progesterone to get my period started which before I always had to wait 3 to 7 days for a period to come after taking the progesterone for 10 days, this time I started bleeding on day 3 but I continued to take them for the 10 days and I started the femara on day 3 – 7 and i used the digital ovulation tests that show no ovulation, levels rising and your ovulation day. My boyfriend was sick around this time so we only had sex the day (cycle day 17) of the positive opk for peak fertility. About a week after that my nipples were constantly hard for no reason and more sensitive, honestly it was weird but i figured it was probably the femara messing with my hormones or something. On Cycle day 29 (October 20th 2017) just on a whim I decided when I woke up early to pee to just take a test and see. So I filled the cup and dipped the test and waited and within a few minutes I saw the faintest line I was honestly shocked honestly I didn’t believe it so I took a digital one and it actually said PREGNANT, I was seriously so shocked, I was excited but really i just couldn’t believe it.

It was so hard waiting for my boyfriend to get home, but i made my self wait and not text it or a picture because I wanted it to be more special than that. I had bought this onsie if it ever actually happened to put with a positive test to give to him. I put both in a box to have him open. surprisingly I didn’t give it to him right when he got home I was laying down when he came home so he laid down with me and we talked about his day and just kind of cuddled until I decided to give it to him. It was such an exciting day.

Sadly on the day of my 6 week mark I started bleeding and had a miscarriage. which I was sad and cried for a few days but I cant do anything about it. The one thing in all of this is that after nearly 14 years I have never been able to get pregnant and it happened the 1st time taking femara. Now i at least know it is possible that I can get pregnant, can I have a baby I still don’t know but hopefully this is a good sign… It is very sad that what I wanted so bad was right there and now its just gone. it also makes me a little sad because if it does happen again I don’t feel like I can do something cute to tell him, I feel like we already did that and it didn’t go well. hopefully one day this story will have a happy ending…